Category: poetry

individual flaw

The hubris in thinking you know me

Because we are both human

Or that you might know better for me

Like I don’t know myself

Thinking you can logic your way

Into understanding my experience

As if logic has anything to do with it

You really see yourself as godlike

The failing of mankind is patterns

Making mosaics from chaos

Faith in our flawed perception

Even when our limitations are clear

You don’t know me better

Than I know myself

But you’d like to think

You know the best of us both.

2024-07-29

Poem
institutional torture

Hospitals are hell

With all the best intentions

They don’t respect sleep

And rotating staff

Is an introvert nightmare

With purposeful lack of autonomy

We hand them all the power

In the promise of improved health

Because they are experts

And we are merely patients

They down play the profit they make

From this traumatic time in our life

And don’t ask what we want

They belive they’ve covered our needs

Even as they traumatize us with their care.

2024-07-22

Poem
supposed noncompliance

Doctors don’t trust us

And they don’t listen either

They don’t like us to be smart

Or to be informed enough to say no

They see us as uncooperative children

Disparaging our understanding

They arent partners in our care

They reluctantly ask for consent

But label us an uncooperative

If we dare stand up for ourself

We advocate in a vacume

Against many levels of opression

The world doesn’t like it

When you question its heros.

2024-07-15

Poem
away from the flame

The definition of true love

Diverged when it comes to passion

I wanted to foster the long coals

You wanted to throw wood on the fire

I don’t want passion that burns bright

That can turn into fierce anger

Or be smothered by boredom

I want admiration and respect

A long term commitment

A tinder that has to be tended

My fire won’t burn down a
forrest.

But it’ll keep us warm for many nights.

2024-07-08

Poem, poetry
why aren't you better

Medical coding won’t let them

Treat random symptoms

They need a diagnosis to treat

Whatever is quick and easy

So, I have a collection of diagnosis

My medical chart is a muddy pool

Without any helpful treatments

Full of dismissal and contradictions

Suggesting I’m faking or imagining

If I visit them for a new symptom

They might give me a new diagnosis

But I don’t want another one

Another reason for their rejection

Another way to doubt what I say

There is no cure for a medical mystery

I’ve learned to live with my symptoms.

2024-07-01

disability, Poem, poetry
today's is awful

Some days I wish I could skip

When it’s hard to sit up

And the pain is persistent

Treatement may take off the edge

But background pain lingers

All I can do is tough it out

And wait for healing to happen

Hoping tommorow is less awful

I sleep as much as I can

But some parts are spent awake

And that is the part I want to forget

I know things will get better

And I want to live another day

Just wish I could skip today.

2024-06-24

disability, Poem, poetry
the less painful path

Pretty is more important than life

That’s what they mean by lose weight

They know it won’t work

That your body fights back

But hunger is acceptable

You don’t need to enjoy life

Your discomfort is worth fitting in

Health is more important than food

Thats what they mean by eat right

They blame us for not having time

Or money or access or willpower

Tell us don’t pay attention to hunger

Your body doesn’t know what it needs

Follow their inconsistent rules

Believe in the promise of a result

They’re not interested in science

Thin is healthy but fat is inevitable

Maybe I’m doomed to unhealthy

Maybe I’ve embraced fat and happy

I’m not trusting an uncertain promise

By buying into proven discomfort.

2024-06-17

Poem, poetry
equality isn't equity

The problem with equality

Is that it ignores my disability

And that’s the problem

Sure, you may hire me

Because I have the skills

But then you judge my actions

With the exact same metric

As able bodied employees

You expect me to fit in

For my behavior to conform

Regardless of my mental stability

Getting a job is a first step

Equality makes to hard to keep a job

Equity would give me the tools

So we can all live with my difference.

2024-06-10

Poem, poetry
imagined illness

When illness is not your life

It’s a way to get out of expectation

But when illness is everyday

It’s an inescapable private truth

More likely something you try to hide

Until it can’t be hidden anymore

It comes out when we can’t escape it

The veracity of our truth is doubted

Because the majority use it as a lie

But it’s ill health we wish to lie about

If only our illness was imagined.

2024-06-03

disability, Poem, poetry
why must I remind you I'm human

I am not a fragile flower

Or your identified patient

Until I’m dead, I’m surviving

I deserve independentance

And whatever autonomy I can have

Treating me different doesn’t help

It just makes me feel seperate

Treating me as incompetent

Just makes me like you less

It isn’t yours to manage my health

Illness doesnt respect expectations

Symptoms don’t conform to timelines

Your frustration just makes me worse

And all your aims to get me in line

Like your uninformed advice

And you unsolicited help

Are a barrier to your understanding

Give me the respect of personhood

Why must I remind you I’m human?

2024-05-27

Poem, poetry
so many voices

Academica wants to study

Non-Profits want awareness

Lobbyist want power

And grassroots wants change

All fighting for an ideal

Somehow seperated by minutia

Siloed in our conversations

Feeling richeous in our goals

Our voces together would be loud

But infighting keeps us apart

In the hierarky of important voices

Can we hear the oppressed first?

2024-05-20

Poem, poetry
their big lie

At an early age, life didn’t make sense

What I saw didn’t match what I felt

And I was taught to speak up

So I said what I thought was true

And they assured me I was wrong

That I wasn’t feeling what I felt

And I wasn’t seeing what I saw

Quickly, I learned to doubt myself

And the next time I was incongruent

I participated in my own gaslighting

Thought I didn’t know what I felt

And I didn’t know what I saw

But the contradictions kept coming

What they said and how I felt

But how I felt was consistent

And their orders often conflicted

So I chose to believe in myself

I let myself rebel againt what I’m told

The world still doesn’t make sense

But at least I trust in me.

2024-05-13

Poem, poetry
not the plan

How did this happen?

I planned to be an novelist

To write great sweeping stories

And call myself an author

But that’s not what I do

Instead, I compulsively summarize

Encapsulate my feeling in words

In this blasted dead art form

I didn’t seek poetry as a goal

But damned if I’m not a poet.

2024-05-06

Poem, poetry
my body is vindictive

Body positive is about self-love

Body neutrality is about acceptance

Fat liberation is about equal rights

But my body is also defiant

I inflict myself on the world

Skimpy clothes showing it all off

Bright colors and bold patterns

Encouraging passing stares

Challenging disdainful looks

Not here to make you comfortable

Fat and proud and defiant.

2024-04-29

Poem, poetry
can't think it away

Even when you don’t believe

When you question what you see

My symptoms are still here

What I feel is very real to me

Your lack of faith in what I say

Doesn’t change my everyday

Such hubris in your fantasy

That you’re an expert on me

I reject your ignorant decree

You’ve not stopped my experience

Just stopped me in what I speak

I learn not to share with you.

2024-04-22

Poem, poetry
not able bodied

When I look back over my life

Even when I thought I was healthy

I was still sick, mentaly or physicaly

The limits of my understanding

Meant I translated my experience

Into what others call healthy

But I don’t know what that feels like

I’m not able bodied, never have been.

2024-04-16

Poem, poetry
you don't own me

“My taxes pay for you”

What a delusion of grandure

Paired with flagrant ignorance

Maybe a minorty to you’re majority

But the amount you personally pay

That goes into programs for me

Isn’t even a drop in the bucket

Not even a molecule of vapor

At best you’re homeopathy

A hint of tears in the ocean

Diluted by the greater populace

If I ignored your flawed logic

And your lack of compassion

Let us just be equal and fair

If you want freedom of choice for you

Stop suggesting ownership of me.

2024-04-08

Poem, poetry
no prayers, please

The problem with you praying for me

Is that your praying for God to fix me

Because you think I’m wrong

My life is sad and I must be saved

But isn’t your God purposeful

Maybe he put me here to test you

To see if you can have compassion

For someone that doesn’t fit

Into your view of his world?

2024-04-01

atheist, disability, Poem, poetry
uneven bias

Just an idea in your head

Representing words unsaid

Lip twisted in judgement

At the perceived lesser

While you’re punching down

I’m scowling at your crown

You don’t have to know me

To let yourself think poorly

Your bias and mine

Clash all of the time

Because I’m punching up

Rejecting my oppressor.

2024-03-25

Poem, poetry
employed minority

The problem is keeping the job

Sure, we fought to get the job

We fought to get through school

Persistence took us this far

But this isn’t a battle for promotion

Or getting paid a living wage

We are still fighting for survival

As an easy target for rejection

With excuses of team dynamics

Because we just don’t fit in

Culture forces us to the outside

It’s easier to get rid of us

Than to make a space for us.

2024-03-18

Poem, poetry
Doctors are people too

Doctors are my least favorite people

But I can be mad at someone

Without dehumanizing them

They’re not trying to be mean

They’re a product of their training

They’re expected to be superhuman

Authoritarian and competitive

They are restricted by insurance

Who get the final say in treatement

And I don’t make their job easy

I’m a complicated patient

My symptoms are confounding

I already have multiple diagnoses

They dismiss me as a mental case

Because my symptoms are chronic

Because the simple tests are negative

Because they don’t have time for me

So, I admit Doctors are people

People in power that treat me poorly

And the compassion I have

Is follow-up by earned distrust.

2024-03-11

Poem, poetry
part of my personality

You question why I talk about it

As if the answer isn’t clear

C’mon, just think for a second,

Imagine where I’m coming from

This lives within me everyday

Were talking about my quality of life

Restricting my daily activity of living

What kind of delusion would it be

If it wasn’t a part of my personality

Not metaphorically but literally

Keeping silent for your comfort

Doesn’t make my life easier

Since I can’t avoid it or deny it

I’m not going to hide it.

2024-03-04

Poem, poetry
anticipating judgement

Let me be clear

I’m not making anything up

I spend my time isolating

And lying about what I feel

And avoiding the topic of health

Smiling through my discomfort

Actively minimizing my needs

So you won’t ever know

What’s going on with me

Because when I open up

I get shamed by doctors

Teated poorly by bosses

Doubted by my friends

The world isn’t welcoming

People treat me differently

There isn’t a reward for honesty

When it comes to disability.

2024-02-26

Poem, poetry
accomidation for all

Remove reason from accomidation

Reject the idea of undue hardship

It leads to false argument

If you already treat your staff shitty

Any request for change is a battle

Doesn’t matter who makes a request

Employers reject workplace change

Even when it’s low cost or no cost

So, this isn’t just about disability

It’s about core labor rights

Most staff have individual needs

We should have tools to do our job

Get flexibility between work and life

Accomidation is considered radical

Because a job is seen as a priveledge

What if staff were seen as valuable

Deserving of a job molding to them

A workplace finding a place for us

Instead of rejection for a bad fit

All staff deserve accomidation

When employers accomidated want

It’s not so radical to accomidate need.

2024-02-19

Poem, poetry
Stop pushing the narrative

Your suggestion it’s our fault

This thing we were born with

Is victim blaming at best

And eugenics at worst

We don’t deserve this

We didn’t earn it

Your lack of compassion

And your willful ignorance

Perpetuates a harmful myth

Dare I ask you be more kind

In the way you view a stranger.

2024-02-12

Poem, poetry
leave the game

Peace is not easy

The world gets in the way

People like their familiar

Even when it’s painful

Fighting is what they know

How do I avoid lonely

But also not participate

People come with drama

How do I not get treated poorly

Without always fighting for me

How do I not aim to win

But also not aim to lose

People want to be the best

I have to step away from it

Leave the game

Standing slightly apart

Cautious towards the world

Choosing not to fight people

Developing habits that save me

From a culture trying to defeat me.

2024-02-06

Poem, poetry
public forced isolation

No more masks for you

You won’t be forced to vaccinate

It’s your right to spread disease

Passively killing in your wake

Those old “Ugly Laws” are gone

But you still actively shun us

Put the burden of health on us

Believe only the fit should survive

You don’t want to see us

Or understand our experience

Thinking about us is tiring

It’s just easier if we are invisible

One day you will be old

And age will probably bring disability

But that is for future you to know

Current you prefers your ignorance.

2024-01-29

Poem, poetry
supposedly imagined pain

The stories goes that I’m faking

My discomfort isn’t real

Women make such a big deal

And fat women deserve it

And black women don’t feel it

They suggest I’m malingering

And I’m seeking attention

I should, “learn to live with it”

They say mental illness isn’t painful

Nor is rejection or loneliness

The fact that it’s persistent

Makes it less believable

Only a doctor can define it

And throw a pill at it to cure it

But even without treatment

If only I would believe myself better

If only I was tough enough

Then I could stop my chronic pain.

2024-01-22

Poem, poetry
bootstrap envy

I envy the priveledge of bootstraps

The social ability to foster connection

The physical stamina to work extra

The attractive features to fit in

The backing of family and friends

The access to education and training

Toss in some luck and persistance

And you say, “That’s all it takes!”

(To become a rare success story)

But I don’t envy your ignorance

You can’t see your own priveledge.

2024-01-15

Poem, poetry
bias of the medical model

I use the term “medical model”

As a short hand for doctors are limited

Because they focus on broad strokes

They only believe the statistical norm

Focusing on tests and clear patterns

A set of specific diagnosis criteria

So if symptoms are varied and vague

They are likely to say nothing is wrong

Or to suggest “it’s in your head”

They’re not searching for an outlier

We’re not the exception to the rule

Patients are stupid and uninformed

Doctors the authoritative expert

And we should trust their declaration

Believe them over our own body.

2024-01-08

Poem, poetry
losing priveledge

You are losing something

The extra you have isn’t yours

It was unfair when was given to you

Distributed unequally at birth

And now it feels unfair to lose it

Like you’re being stolen from

But you are returning stolen goods

The fair part is you sharing

Giving up the extra you have

So that everyone can have some.

2024-01-01

Poem, poetry
health I never had

I see health in others

And miss a life I can’t know

An imagined experience

I grieve for what I never got

I morn the life I’m missing

The freedom I don’t have

Settling into a compromise

With my imperfect body

I’m frustrated by new symptoms

Trapped in this tightening trap

As my body betrays me

I adjust to the new normal

But I can’t live in grief

So I give myself space to feel

Light a candle for my loss

And then turn back to the life I have.

2023-12-25

Poem, poetry
I want a wife

Wish I could find a man to be my wife

Who’s totally devoted to my needs

Gives me endless free labor

Asks for the bare minimum in return

A man focused on my desire

To be on display when I choose

Who’s aware I can replace him

With a younger, more eager version

Is happily barefoot in the kitchen

Making our house a home

Sacrifices his own needs

Because my needs come first

And he would know his place

Because I gave him my name

A wife is the reward I deserve

My prize and proof I won at life.

2023-12-18

Poem, poetry
cleave people from the herd

We’re your sickly and old

The ones that can’t keep up

Falling behind in the race

The ones you sacrifice

You see us as disposable

Or you choose to be blind

Except you are setting yourself up

For a future of being culled, too

When you forget compassion and care

You ignore that we’re in your herd

You may choose to see us

But we can’t help but see you.

2023-12-11

Poem, poetry
a moderated life

I was a active kid and also sickly
I played rough and then later suffered
Never fit in school so I was a loner
But my family friends played with me

I had a social group as a teenager
And I matched their social energy
I stated up all night and partied
And then crashed when I went home

It was in my 30s that I saw the pattern
When I act like other people I pay
And the cost is tripple the fun
More days lost than fun gathered

I learned to live a moderate life
Chose stability in my symptoms
I grieved that life wasn’t like others
Gave up on a life I can’t have.

2023-12-04

Poem, poetry
not trying to blend

What if I am cringy

A background player

That everyone laughs at

Self aware that I don’t fit in

But also comfortable in myself

And that confidence shines through

Because I don’t hate myself

I’d rather embrace my awkward

Than chase someone else’s ideal

And maybe some people mock me

But that tells me who they are

It doesn’t affect who I choose to be.

2023-11-27

Poem, poetry
not dying today

My symptoms aren’t acute

They’re persistent and uncomfortable

Just not urgent or life threatening

I have treatements that work

Not a cure but a way to manage

And succesfull lifestyle changes

That make my symptoms less

But you can’t call me healthy

I live with symptoms everyday

I’m surviving, not thriving

Some days are less pain

But I can’t imagine pain free

I’m not well but I’m also not dying today.

2023-11-20

Poem, poetry
not a brave face

In a culture where tough is praised

And showing pain is weak

Then I’m considered a whiner

Because sometimes I name it

Instead of living in painful silence

I defy loneliness and issolation

Take comfort from those around me

By bravely sharing my vulnerability

Admitting that living sometimes hurts

Speaking up can’t remove pain

But it can make it more bearable.

2023-11-13

Poem, poetry
not about you

My house is my comfort

It should fit my needs

I keep it up to my standards

I don’t clean for guests

I live in my body

My asthetic is for me

And clothe it as I please

I don’t dress for strangers

My behavior is my choice

My choices may not work for you

I have to live with my consequences

And I don’t require your approval

Sometimes my actions effect you

And that is when you get to care

But I still keep these boundaries

My life choices don’t disrespect you.

2023-11-07

Poem, poetry
decenter

Why do you center yourself

Speaking for us but not to us

Give me back my words

Don’t talk about me or for me

Your ignorance is quickly seen

But only by those in the know

You try to gatekeep what I say

Make up words to avoid what I am

My learned experience rings true

Even when you suppress my story.

2023-10-31

Poem, poetry
living my truth

I’m not willing to lie anymore

They like me hiding the real me

It allowed them to be comfortable

But it made me feel worse

You don’t want to hear about my day

Because my day involves pain

You don’t want to hear what I feel

My good attitude is back lit by pain

If the real me was hateful

Then maybe I’d understand

But this is about social discomfort

This is about disturbing truth

I’m outspoken but introverted

I’m employed and disabled

I’m authentic with mental illness

I’m not looking to fit your mold.

2023-10-24

Poem, poetry
wife left in the hospital

In sickness and in health they say

But it’s often a one sided promise

We all agree boys run away

Eager to escape emotional burden

But men are no better at sticking it out

When a woman needs support

Men feel they’re in the right to leave

If a woman can’t serve her role

Husbands don’t stay to be caregivers

If a wife becomes a burden

Chronic illness is a dealbreaker.

2023-10-17

Poem, poetry
skewed by suspicion

Why do you have expectations

Of how health should look or act

You don’t live in my symptoms

Health isn’t linear and we aren’t twins

Who taught you to doubt me

To question a wheelchair or cane

Eager to catch me in the act

Of some malingering performance

Why am I guilty until proven innocent

Your view is skewed by suspicion

Outright assuming I must be lying

Making it up to gain attention

Who wants to living in this picture

Putting on a long con for strangers

Getting all this negative attention

Living outside socially acceptable

Why do you think you are special

That I’m makings it up for you

That you know the ultimate truth

That you know me better than me.

2023-10-10

Poem, poetry
Medicine exists for healthy people

Doctors goal is to get people healthy

So when faced with chronic illness

A complicated patient they can’t fix

Once their diagnosis is complete

And they’ve handed out treatment

Even if the symptoms are still present

They wash their hands of us

Doctors aren’t here for wholistic care

Few are excited by a long term puzzle

The puzzle of confusing symptoms

And rounds of inconclusive tests

They default to psychosomatic

They outsource the care of emotion

That is the role of a psychiatrist

Doctors want to conquer health

Not hear a frustrated patient

With never ending symptoms

They want to be the hero

But after multiple appointments

It’s easier to label malaise

Than admit their failure.

2023-10-03

Poem, poetry
not up or down

My morality isn’t vertical

You are not better than me

And I am not better than you

We are both worthy

And no one is undeserving

No onehad to tell me this

I was born knowing it

My morals are horizontal.

2023-09-25

Poem, poetry
crazy cat lady

In a roundabout way

I traded my married life

For the title crazy cat lady

The traditional role

Was sold as happiness

But didn’t give me security

So understand, I don’t regret

Giving up my faithless husband

As marriage was no guarantee

I am more myself

Thriving as a spinster

Because I didn’t give up on me.

2023-09-19

Poem, poetry
only the old and sick die

A global pandemic comes

And the takeaway is eugenics

Long as the masses can survive

It’s okay for the old and sick to die

The public prefers simple comfort

Don’t want to hear downer statistics

Don’t want a mask or a vaccine

Sure, you might get long covid

You might kill your family or friends

But a party is worth the gamble

Mass spreader events are more fun.

2023-09-12

Poem, poetry
external judgement

Carrying around all that judgment

It has to be a weighty burden

So much to disapprove and disdain

Must be a heavy arsenal to bear

I’m sorry the dagger in your eyes

Bounce off of my lack of caring

Hate leaking from your gaze

Will never be able to touch me

Because I’m not invested in you

The same as you’re effected by me.

2023-09-05

Poem, poetry
quiet quit is my baseline

The way they exploit you

Is the reason they won’t hire me

When you work all those unpaid hours

When you give above and beyond

I can’t live up to that expectation

You hustle to get a possible raise

I’m struggling to give what’s required

You network with all the right people

I stand out because of my limitations

Exploitation isn’t fair to either of us

Our worth isn’t in dollars and cents

You can quiet quit and still have a job

I’m lucky they’re not looking for cause

I wish you would act your wage.

2023-08-29

Poem, poetry
approval after the fact

If you hear my story

And then you feel for me

Where was your compassion

When you saw me as the villain?

Why do I have to explain

That life is hard and traumatic

For you to try and understand me

What does that say about you?

If you think strange is awful

And difference is unacceptable

You are always going to judge me

You will still want to change me

If I haven’t hurt you

And I’m not out to harm you

Then I’m not the one who’s wrong

My compassion isn’t conditional.

2023-08-21

Poem, poetry