In appropriate words I cannot think
As words are such but a weak expression
of how this quilted silence lives inside of me
For deeply is she hidden
folded under such darkened velvet
in the quiet recesses of my soul
That I may no longer know her face
And in those delicate hands of youth
She holds a box of memories
that I may never see
For in my bitter misery
I made her hide away from me.
Appearance is our first impression
Proceeding words spoken
I aim for clean and cute
I hope for a second consideration
I don’t always object to being an object
But the object I don’t want to be
Is an object to be owned
An object chassing affection
In my old age, I’m tired of sexy
I’m frustrated by the expectation
I wish my body wasn’t a barter
I rebel againt “keeping it up”
I want to be a free range object
Living between “looking nice”
And “keeping a mate”
My style is for my pleasure
Attractive is relative
And personality effects perception
I hope to be disliked for what I say
Not for how I look.
We get so used to fighting the “them”
That we start to fight our “us”
We waste our time refining “us”
And lose the message to minutia
But it isn’t always about one voice
Or one consistent message
The details aren’t as important
As the thread that binds us
Our allies make us stronger
Teachers further our message
A chorus makes us louder
Division can only divide us
There is value in varied perspectives
The old voice brings wisdom
The young voice brings change
The dissenting voice brings reflection
A unexpected spark in one person
Grows to a slow burn in the many
Flames can come together as a wildfire
But won’t survive if they’re doused.
I don’t choose a world
of don’ts and can’ts
I live my world in try
and fail and try again
Sometimes I get success
I always get productive.
If the trick to catch a man
Is to be thin and young and dumb
Then Im not sure there is a man
Im going to try and seek
Im not willing to be submissive
To court or keep a guy
Pleasure and companionship
Can be found other ways
Im fat and old and smart
I like food more than sex
No one will acuse me of being fun
Im at odds with keeping a mate
I wont spend my life
In a perpetual chase
I think I can live without
Yeah, Im better off on my own.
Grief is an odd thing
like a slap in the face
it’s surprises and stings
and leaves a mark
It can come in waves
crashing over us
pulling us under
suffocating under the weight
Other times it’s a numbness
as if nothing has changed
but the colors are muted
The day a bit less bright
For a moment it isnt so bad
And then grief sneaks up on us
because it lives with us always
the visits just get less frequent
We go on in this incomplete world
A world that keeps moving
A new day that keeps dawning
We live with what it is.
I never wanted to be a circus clown
to turn the world upside down
with a laugh and a lark
Do I want to be beautiful?
is that a burden I desire
Some might say the answer is easy
that beauty is always preferred
What you consider lazy I live as survival
My body doesnt work like yours
If I work to hard I pay for it
Not in a metaphorical life ballance way
But in real life flemmy illness and pain
I dont get to book my day full
Unless I’m willing to crash many after
Took years to accept my limitations
Spent my youth acting physically normal
And then crying when my body rebelled
Wasnt until my thirties that I got a clue
When I finally accepted my limitations
Changed my attitude about my lack
I choose whats important to me
I’m independant and self supporting
I’m proudly working disabled
And, no, I dont have much else
I had to give up the dream of more
To truely appreciate what I have
Stopped focusing on whats missing
And, instead, focus on what I’ve got.
My body punishes me for surviving
each morning of getting up
each week of going to work.
I’m tired of being tired.
And grounchy at being grumpy.
And worked up about being anxious.
Pain is not a plesant companion.
Discomfort is not desired.
Paranoia can piss off.
All I want is to sleep a couple days
so I can feel a little less extra
be a smidge closer to okay.
Is happiness content
Like a long slow walk
Or is it bubbling joy
Like a burst of pleasure
I have experienced both
But live with neither
I am unsettled and uneven
Like a well worn road
My discomfort is familiar
Even as it disatisies
I aim for content
Grasping moments of joy
And still dont understand
Exactly what happiness is.
I am an unwavering atheist
No faith and no spritality in me
But I would never wish to remove
The innocent belief of another
How cruel a person I would be
To wish someone lose faith
Just so they don’t contradict
My strongly held worldview
I dont care how you find comfort
In this random and uncaring world
If it doent harm you or another
I encourage any peace you can keep
The only part of faith and belief
I can always disagree with
Is that which harms or shames
Or forces itself onto another
I am not an unkind person
Some even call me empathetic
My lack of belief and faith
Doesnt make me a less caring human.
Being human hurts peoples feelings
When I treat you like I wanna be treated
Golden rule doen’t account for difference
When I treat you as you expect
Platinum rule doesnt teach difference
When I act without reflecting
I’m almost guarenteed to hurt another
There is no rule for just being ourselves
No rule that will stop unintentional hurt
So like a gentle bull in a china shop
I am myself but try not to harm
I know being me is right for me
But may not be what others need.
Change isnt for the better
Its random and messy
It sneaks up on a person
Long time coming and suddenly here
Change isnt for the worst
Its personal evolution
Unexpected metamophisis
Waking up with a point-of-view
Change is rarely a choice
People dont change when they try
They change because life happens
Because you can’t escape growth
Change is a netural force
It is both big and small
You cant capture or avoid it
But you can learn to acept it.
This body didn’t come with a return policy
I didn’t get to choose its defects
Neither did I choose my circumstances
In how I was raised or where I came from
This is the life I was given
I could lament the randomness
And spend my days bemoaning
Because my life is often not easy
Everyday is tainted by struggles
That don’t seem to be the norm
In one way I lucked out
Exposed to two versions of suffering
One who pained all those around her
Another who choose a better attitude
I got to learn there is a choice
I dont want to pass around my pain
And this isnt always an easy achievement
Sometimes discomfort makes me silent
But when I can, I choose plesant
I aim to be a brighter presence
There are things in life
I did not choose and cannot change
But my attitude is not one of those
I decide my small affect on this world
With a smile instead of a grimace.
Young people are assholes
Not on purpose, mind you
Their honesty is oblivious
They dont have years of experience
To explain others behavior
They blithely assume
That we are all the same
They are ignorant to difference
Until someone teaches them
That all snowflakes are frozen water
But each one has a unique design
And we humans live in that contrast
Each of us the same and different.
Men are predators
They hunt everyday
Sex is their game
And I dont wanna play
Boys are taught to dominate
Early in their youth
Girls romance about rescue
Despite its ugly truth
I dont blame their nature
But I expect them to be tame
We have a choice in behavior
Respect comes with refrain
I will not blame victims
I will not excuse perpatrators
But perhaps I will shame society
For raising boys into a rapers.
I’m told not to compare
Focus on the same, not different
But when I get close to someone
The stories they share are foreign
A world a part from where I live
Are their stories all lies?
Some partial truth hiding harsh reality
Or am I terminally unique?
So special that I really can’t relate
I know I’m not the only wierd ever
But I am wierder than most
I romantacize meeting my weird match
Another wierd that sounds familiar
The right amount of wierd, together.
It seems silly
That a woman being strong
And speaking out for women
Is seen as confrontational
And taken as an offense
They treat our power as a challenge
Like they think we want to win
As if were trying to replace them
When in reality we want respect
We want to stand beside them
Maybe its fear of the difference
Because female strength is new
We can get the same things done
But we may not take the same path
We will not defer to the old way
The thing that irks me the most
Is I’m trying to understand them
Im trying to make it easier for them
Even as they throw shade
On my burgeoning power.
Faded black pavement
White stripes directing
Analog road to elsewhere
Flock of vehicles
Construction gets in the way
Making the drive longer
Trapped in my metal cage
Feeling tight with expectation
Someday I’ll get home
To the cool stillness.
I embody percived stigma
My health is not well
My choice is no children
My weight is not thin
My religion is lacking
My sexuality is fluid
You might be shocked
By my authentic self
But I am not ashamed
I reject the stigma
I dont internalize the norm
I accept me for who I am.
I take up space
Fill a room with my presence
My arms and legs sprawled
Loud voice across the room
Wide hips staining my chair
I am a large woman
In size and confidence
I’m not afraid to speak up
I’m not afraid to be silent
I speak when I want to
It’s hard for me to understand
Being small or unseen
I am not a delicate flower
I’m a gaudy boquet
Big and bright and seen.
I miss the old you
The person you were before
He was kind and considerate
He wasn’t so angry
But I dont miss old me
Now I know what I want
I’m on a happy path
I dont want to go back
I know we both changed
Our paths diverged
We became different people
We are no longer a match
I will not let recent bad memories
Erase all the good ones
I wish the best for each of us
As we go into the future seperately.
The high pitched shuffle
Of voices repressed
Makes my ears twitch
Anxiety wonders
who is the subject
Of frantic whispers
The incomplete phrazes
Vaugely hinting at a topic
and the longer I overhear
I cant help but imagine
They’re somehow talking about me
When all I really know
Is they’re talking near me.
I dated a blind guy once
He needed everything neat and orderly
So he could memorize where to go
I tried to keep things orderly
So he could get around
I was exausted trying to keep up
Mess is a symptom of my fatigue
He literally tripped over my disability
I learned that we can have the same label
But still have a very different experience.
I grew up in a disposable world
With an expiration date
And better just around the bend
We’re all replaced, eventually
I wish there was a way
To love insensely, to love freely
Without feeling miserable
When that love isn’t returned
I was a sesitive kid
So it always confused me
When my friends got new friends
And stopped spending time with me
And as a teen I felt slighted
When I was adored one moment
Treated like a bright and shiney
And then ignored the next
As an adult I was estranged
Rejected by my own blood
Family told me I wasnt wanted
Left me to fend for myself
But the greatest betrayal
Was undoubtedly my spouse
The person who knew me best
Who eventually stopped loving me
I cannot claim innocence
As i have protected my heart
Refused those who are inconsistant
Rejected those who imply I’m less
My love can be intense and clingy
My honesty can scare away
But I refuse to pretend im someone else
Just to keep lonliness at bay.
I am liberated from sexy
Too old and fat and proud
To be anyones objectification
So much easier to be a feminist
When men don’t acknowlede me
And women don’t think me competition
If all you see is my imperfect exterior
and you can’t get past my gender
Then I’ve escaped your attention
My desirability no longer defines me
I choose my brain and selfesteme
And therin lies my freedom.
I’m tired of having my worth defined
By my performance as a sexual being
I rebel against the idea
That the value of my presence
Is intertwined with physical intimacy
I’m confounded that sexual satisfaction
Is the litmus test of a lasting relationship
Any sexually aware person knows that
Orgasms are cheap and easy to attain
And the fact that I’m sex positive
Doesnt mean I’m eager to provide service
I’m not interested in being hunter or prey
Or at keeping some faux mystery alive
If anything, my ability to satisfy myself
Means I’m lonely for non-sexual touch
I’m eager for comfort and familiarity
I want something more in a partner
Than a really good fuck.
the ones that get it
are far and few between
but at least they are
exactly as they seem
the ones that try to get it
often fail in their attempt
and the wrongness in their trying
is only sometimes apparent
the ones that think their right
are a dime a dozen to find
and only a few of those
feign they’re broader of mind
then there are the righteous
that instruct on who is right
they irk the kindest of souls
and make us all want to fight
In the end I count on one hand
people near and dear to me
that see what I see
and accept who I be
Perhaps my luck in life
Is to have more than one
Who tells me being myself is right
and their judgement is wrong.
Twirl ducts
sopped in water
as I may wander
in reminiscence
In a world of wonder
neurosis fodders this mind
and braids my consciousness
in complicated patterns
Has the thought
crossed your sky
that you were not safe
not a place I could cry
There’s value in reflection
but what isn’t real
disolves as transparent
under grasping hands
Awareness is brought.
sad little boys
with their pathetic insults
trying to make big of themselves
by making small of me
if only I were impressed
instead of amused
by their laughable attempts
to bruise my ego
I could respond
and give them power
or I can ignore
and remove their bluster
if only I was concerned
by small minds
and petty words
such that I was moved
but I’m not
instead, I’m tickled
by their persistence
and spurned on
by their stupidity
their insults
are my own words
do they not realize,
I beat them to the punch?
what they consider insult
I consider fact
what they accuse me of
I embrace with pride
I may cockblock their dogedness
as I’m moved to laughter
but I won’t feign to fart
at such pitiable overtures
sad little boys
so small and unimportant
I rouse them to anger
while they rouse me to laugh.
This is not about soot
for then the fire must have died
but instead about the wind
as it cools this overheated flame
The room was filled with smoke
before we noticed the blaze
and yet we piled the wood
onto its billowing wings
I would not contradict
its beauty throughout it’s ire
while still predicting the wish
to tame what I have named
The Fire
So please understand my wish
for one half is dark, coals and ashes
while the other retains its brightness
as it try’s to burn higher.
maybe I do think I’m better
that I deserve more
than casual relationships
with casual friends
that are casual with me
my feeling aren’t casual
they deserve due diligence and gentle care
I’m strong and tough and sure of myself
but when I let someone in
I let them past my armor
and leave myself defenseless
in their presence
the problem with vulnerability
is that it means someone can break you
a passing word or meaningless action
can pierce you to the core
and when people are casual
they don’t think to walk carefully
or make an effort to not break
the things around them
it always surprises me
how my friends can be so careful
with material possessions
but, at the same time,
how they can be so careless
with the people in their lives
that they profess love for
I want to know that my counterparts
will put in the work it takes
Any athlete knows that it takes work
to become great at something
and only when you’re great at that thing
does it start to look effortless
Is it so wrong of me
to think that my friends
should be that well versed
in the sport of friendship?
maybe I’m a weirdo
for thinking my friends
should be nicer to me
than they would be to a stranger
before now, I didn’t consider
what it meant when I was accused
of acting like I was “better than”
I cringed at the accusation
because I don’t think I deserve anymore
than everyone else in the world
I don’t put myself up high
on some sort of pedestal
I think everyone deserves
a friend that’ll put in the work
someone that won’t take them for granted
or assume they’ll be around
that’ll ask them what they think
and care about how they feel
and, if that means,
that everyone thinks
I consider myself I’m better than
then I’ll just feel sad
because they don’t get it
There’s something better to be had
and if you don’t grasp for it
you’ll be stuck with the suck
instead of bathing in greatness.
lick your lips
for me
I can’t reach
across the distance
to where you are
Space may separate us
but my thoughts
are with you still
I may lay awake
imagining
your body close
warm flesh against mine
that I love so dear
Taste them
and tell me
how it feels
as if I were there
to lick them
for you.
To some it seems inconceivable
that an atheist like myself
could be more moral than most
you would think that religion
the great doctrine of many
would lead the rest of the world
to a place of serene coexistence
yet, I find that I’m the one
thinking about my actions
and considering the many benefits
of kindness and consideration
while my religious peers
give into their baser impulses
then ask forgiveness for their acts
because God will understand
if your sorry afterwards
I have to live with my actions
and wonder if I did wrong by another
without any book to guide me
or priest to hear my confession
I have to think of how I acted
and ask if there were choices I made
where I could have chosen different
and hurt others less
I have to sort out my hypocrisy
without a get-out-of-jail-free card
I choose logic to guide me
because the numbers say it best
the mathematicians know why
you find me more nice than mean
it’s all about probability
and the chance of a positive return
there’s evidence to my point
that people are more likely to be nice
if you’re nice to them first
sure, it’s a crapshoot
there are no guarantees in this life
you may roll the dice and find
yourself on the losing side
of another persons bad day
but the odds are in your favor
when you play the game
with a positive perspective
many mistake kindness for naiveté
and align forgiving with forgetting
but good guy’s don’t have to be stupid
if you’re smart you’ll know the boundary
between kindness and inviting abuse
dare I suggest that you think a little
that you aim for doing what’s right
for some other reason than the old standby
that someone else told you to
there may be power in cruelty
but I think there’s something more profound
to be gotten out of a stray smile,
a kind word, and a little consideration
for your fellow human being.
Why do I whine
it doesn’t make any more time
or really change the situation
but it’s a release
it pops the bubble I keep
a balloon inside of me
my attitude is my worth
to keep me floating along
and singing a happy song
so what is right
about letting my voice go high
entering into a sigh
except to move on later
let go of what was dragging
so I can float by
maybe there is some point
to making a sour face
as long as I know it’s place
today I cry out sourly
for the things I can’t have
grump for only a moment, dourly
so tomorrow I can embrace
the world with a happy face
and no more wine to indulge
I made a choice
it wasn’t a hard choice
I wanted to love my life
to live it like I want
instead of follow another path
I live my choice
it isn’t easy to live
to be content instead of comfortable
to be fulfilled instead of rich
sometime it’s so hard
I wish I could wish again
But I stick with it
I play the game
and sometimes win
just the same, my tears
they mark the hardest part
and my happiness the best
I never feel like my life
was chosen by another
or regret that I choose
instead of throwing my choice away
but it’s hard
sometimes real hard
to have what I want
and live in this world.
bright boys eat
whatever may come
because they can’t see
what they’ve done
sad girls lay
with limbs open wide
because they think life
isn’t a word to be tried
don’t go there
said the men to the boys
what those girls offer
isn’t all fun and joy
dust yourself off
say’s the ladies to the girls
keep those secrets sacred
and boys’ll give you the world
here I stand alone
not sure what to say
struck by the awareness
that sex isn’t a game you play.
I don’t need a big daddy
Who knows everything I do
Makes me beg for his attention
While demanding unwavering loyalty
I don’t want an absentee father
That never speaks directly
And yet managed to dictate rules
Put on paper eons before I was born
I’m supposed to want a papa
But I’m not yearning to be overseen
Or pining for the scales of afterlife
Heaven seems boring and hell unfair
Perhaps my atheism is feminist
Because religion seems male to me
Just like I don’t need a man in my life
I don’t choose an almighty father
Dear stranger
I wish you didn’t make me uncomfortable
And I wish I didn’t expect the worst
But instant excitement scares me
And your attention puts me at unease
At first my bold ways titlate
Often the idea of me seems to appeal
But as time passes I hear judgement
Those less than subtle hints
Criticim meant to be constructive
Suggesting I become more acceptable
That I’d be better off a little less special
But I am not the kind who tries to fit
I was raised to like myself
To embrace my authenticity
Your fleeting affection is no match
For my persistent sense of self
You can’t coerce me into normal
This is the curse of an iconoclast
More lonely in a crowd of strangers
Than sitting alone with myself.
Inner ear ineffective
Unsteadily upright
Firmly flat feet
Waddle wobble walk
Balance broken
Grace goes gone
Dropping down
Suddenly sitting
Pause petulantly
Ready for repeat
Elizebeth Turnquist 