Elizebeth Turnquist

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He thought dizzy was joy

Dancing around in circles

And love meant freedom

As he spun to another partner

He said all the right words

Words that dazzled me

But the words were empty

I was alone next to him

A warm body in his bed

A placeholder, easily replaceable

As I tried to hold on to him

I watched him spin away.

2021-05-19

Poem, poetry
I love me so I can love you

Everything for anyone always

Is a perfection I don’t try for

Self sacrifice and unending kindness

Are not my first goal

Self involvement can lead to self care

Boundaries can make better buddies

Because I’m only giving what I can

I stead of draining myself dry.

2021-05-17

Poem, poetry
Sometimes love is kind

Nice is a performance

It exepects owed recopense

A positive return on investment

Kind is an attitude

Its persistently of service

Because the return is within

Love is complicated

It is an individual feeling

That is sometimes shared

I don’t want a performance

I will reward a good attitude

I can’t promise love.

2021-05-17

Poem, poetry
wierd, wonderful, diverse

The bee and the wasp are not the same

They are insects that can sting

Presenting colors of yellow and black

Flying from their homemade nests

But only one produces lovely honey

While the other is viewed as a pest

And while one wasp can kill a bee

Many bees can defeat one wasp

This is the world we live in

Similar and different

A life of conflict and beauty

Wierd, wonderful, and diverse.

2021-05-16

Poem, poetry
Only in reality

I wouldn’t survive a narrative

Of horror or action or fantasy

Of an inevitable apocalypse

Or a horrifying dystopian future

Or a past plague without vaccine

My body would be the first to fall

At best I’m the supporting character

The one you knew wouldn’t make it

I’m not the character that lives

But today isn’t fiction and modern life means

My broken body has advanced medicine

My flawed mind is of corporate value

My imperfect self thrives in this reality.

2021-05-06

Poem, poetry
Anti-racist

Academic texts don’t speak

They can’t express lived experience

So I beg you, hold my hand a little

Lead me towards the truth

Your anger is valid

But it also stands between us

I know my ignorance isn’t fair

And I know you are tired

But if you can give me your patience

I am open and eager to hear

I’m will de-center and shut up

Because I want to learn and be better

My white ego may be fragile

But I’m ready to let it shatter

I accept that I am part of the problen

I’m trying to be an ally.

2021-05-06

Poem, poetry
no excuse for being me

Not pretty enough

to be an unapologetic bitch

Not brilliant enough

To survive through sarcasm

Not eager enough

To eat shit all day

And not fawning enough

To fall down at their feet

Just proudly stumbling through life

Without an acceptable excuse.

2021-04-20

Poem, poetry
ad hominem attack

I often misspell

And my grammar sucks

My brain looses words

And my mouth mispronounces

My details are an easy target

If you are looking to attack

Search no further than the surface

I can’t compete academically

Because I don’t want to win debate

I seek to understand deeply

I try to have an informed opinion

I’m willing to learn when I’m wrong

I understand I don’t know everything

But I’m more studied than most

So I feel confident in my thought

Even if my presentation is flawed.

2021-03-27

Poem, poetry
oblivious to school

In Elementary three girls teased me

Asking why I wore pants in the summer

And dresses in the winter

I shugged in answer to their mockery

In Junior High a girl tried to intimidate me

She got aggressively in my face

I walked away and simply avoided her

More confused than scared or angry

Between a complicated home life

Truant officers and sickly absenteeism

And special needs classrooms

School hierarky never made an impression

I didn’t envy those who fit in

because I didn’t notice their power

I was an oblivious weirdo loner

With my own drama seperate from them.

2021-03-22

Poem, poetry
not us or them

I’m okay with me or you

But not okay with us or them

I can choose who is in my life

Decide that a person is not good for me

But when a group decides to ostracize

They are making me choose

Between my independence and community

They are trying to control me and you

And the answer to that is easy

I’d rather be lonely as one

than be a part of the mean many.

2021-02-28

Poem, poetry
Stubborn self-esteem

Is this confidence or stubbornness

Self-esteem or refusing to hear criticism

It’s true I dig in my heels

I don’t care to make strangers happy

I expect to be loved as I am

So, if the result is that I am me

The most uncompromising me I can be

Does it matter how I got there?

2021-02-19

Poem, poetry
Voices in the electric void

A million strangers can hear my voice

As I speak into the electric void

Monologing to an unseen audience

Confiding secrets to the world

I sing a song of myself

Speaking my cringy truth

Leading through honest example

Hoping that variety becomes familiar

Exposing my authentic self

Without an agenda for return

Is somehow less lonesome

Then silently living a false identity.

2021-02-07

Poem, poetry
let's skip romance

Finding sex is easy

Fleeting romance is easy

But the boring parts are hard to find

I want to skip the chase and mystery

Head straight for comforting commitment

Where my best friend loves my flaws

I won’t provide one sided worship

and I can’t conform to convention

I’m looking for someone like me

A confident snowflake of similar design.

2021-01-31

Poem, poetry
men don't get it

It’s impossible to change another

Arguing they should alter their beliefs

Only makes them dig their heels in

Suggesting they harm unintentionally

Makes them argue their innocence

And the worst offenders are men

Men are taught to win at all costs

To fight any chance they get

They are taught power is a priority

Never compromise and avoid compassion

Because those are womanly traits

And women are the opposite of men

So, a feminist trying to speak to a man

Is fighting both nature and nurture

Nature that makes humans resist change

Nurture that taught men to never loose

I don’t hold hope for my generation of men

Maybe we can teach the next batch

I don’t want men to be my enemy

But I also don’t think we owe them sex

All boys are accountable for their behavior

Rape is inexcusable, consent is required

Cheating and lying are intentional

Gender isn’t an excuse for wrong behavior.

2021-01-30

Poem, poetry
#chronicillnesswarior

Often my existence feels like a war

With myself and the world

Seeing the disbelief when I share

Because I don’t look unwell

Being told to “win” at health

like I’m in control of my body

Arguing for assistance or help

From systems that believe I’m lying

Being told it’s in my head

like I can think away the sick

I’m so tired of being in battle

I get to choose when I fight

Whatever is broken in me

Be it my body or my mind

Today I choose radical acceptance

It’s time for some boring peace.

2021-01-26

Poem, poetry
#womensupportingwomen

To all the beautiful women

All the smart and successful ladies

All the fit and fabulous females

I want those things for you

sometimes, I may feel lesser

when I commit the sin of comparison

But I will never try to tear you down

I will lift you up any chance I get

We all deserve to feel proud and powerful

And I wish those feelings things for you

with the same fierce ferocity

That I aim for them myself.

2021-01-24

Poem, poetry
all the years

all the years

compounded by all those tears

made real by persistent memories

and lessons hard learned

lead to now

it’s easier to doubt

when the world is so harsh

and the people inconsistent

their rational mislead

than to hold onto youthful optimism

I thought this was growth

the growing up part

we’re told it’s a good thing

that it leads to wisdom

and self-assurance

but sometimes it feels like a cancer

a malignant mass of memories

an awareness that the world isn’t pure

and even the good things

are tainted by good meaning

it’s the one’s that think best

that know without doubt

and know their right

no matter what

those zealots, they truly scare me

so, what has age given me?

but an awareness that faith

is so frail, so delicate

that it often disintegrates

in the face of reality

The hopefulness of youth

is being beat down

by the doubt of age

because truth is a harsh mistress.

2021-01-19

Poem, poetry
Clique

Do you know what I hate

that feeling that creeps up inside me

the knowledge that I can’t read your mind

It’s built on a foundation of insecurity

and the thoughts I’ve let stray

I have to count on you loving me

even if you never say

after years of words passed

between our lips on the air

I see it stalking me in the distance

that ugliness called fear

There isn’t one heart here

there’s ten, maybe twenty

a heard of things unspoken

and the decisions you’ve made about me

without even consulting me

It’s paranoia. After all these years

to think my forest might leave me

the insanity that stalks me

to believe your actions might change

when you walk around me, consistently.

If I were pleading to one person

one mind or one soul, perhaps they’re be hope

instead I plea to the lot of you

the group of you, the family I’ve made

Don’t leave me.

2021-01-15

Poem, poetry
a plan calms me

I was raised by mental illness

By generations of childhood trauma

Where calm is the eye of a storm

There was little consistency

A new adventure everyday

But we were just surviving

Now I rebel against that chaos

I’m calmed by rules spoken

Soothed by expectations made clear

I’m comforted by knowing my plan.

2021-01-15

Poem, poetry
a day

Parking lot paved with crushed pebble feet

Hot sun sinks in a black pavement

roll them rubber soles

hood for another day

I can’t see my hands for the brightness

Brush against her hand, wonder if it’s mine

give me a smile, a thought

I know where we’re going

broken toes and aching arches

stabbed on a curb by my best friend

so, she sighs in exhaustion

Holed up in a room, tired from the day

smiles on my face and a memory.

2021-01-12

Poem, poetry
wishing I was a comet

“Who am I?”
We all ask this
At one time or another
Sometimes this answer comes swiftly
Easily based on my sense of self
“Who am I to them?”
That’s a tough question
I swirl around the question
Like a planet in orbit
Hoping I can become a comet
Break free from painful confusion
It’s the taciturn “them” that won’t say
Even if I ask directly
So, I live comfortable in myself
But uncomfortable in the world.

2020-11-14

Poem, poetry
embracing the label

To not be seen a loser
I have to choose to be a winner
But who am I trying to impress
Who gets to decide the rules
What if I’m an independent thinker
What if I decide not to compete
Instead, can I live the label
Can I defy the game they’re playing
Accepting some might call me a looser
Because I’m happy being my weird self.

2020-11-08

Poem, poetry
happy to say i walked away

Words like “angry”, “resentful”, “righteous”
Group think makes them infectious
One bad apple spoils the bunch
One mean girl sets the tone
When ladies gang up, I don’t take part
If a friend is cruel, I rethink that friend
I may not fight for what’s right
But I don’t put up with what’s wrong
My silence and absence is active
Being right can be lonely
But I won’t let ugly infect me

the on thing I can say is
I’m brave enough to walk away.

2020-10-26

Poem, poetry
three boys

I lost my innocence to three boys

One who kissed my best friend

One who dared me in the dark

And one who presumed marraige

The first boy was my first crush

He kissed her because I dared him

I wanted him to dare me back

But their kiss became the story

The second boy liked me first

He dared me to grope him

Mother interrupted our daring

He lost interest soon after

The third boy was actually my first

First kiss, first love, first fuck

After my deflowering he declared marriage

But I had a world of fucks ahead of me

I’m not sure I had innocence

That I lost or they stole

Three boys took what I offered

I eagerly sought what they gave.

2020-10-20

Poem, poetry
feelings together

Trapped a feeling

Put it into words

Shared it online

So your feelings

Would have company.

2020-10-18

Poem, poetry
letting myself cry

Tears washed out the chemicals in my brain

Poured out the feeling making me insane

Couldn’t stop the world from spinning

But lifted the weight pinning me down

Tommorow the world gets heavy, again

But tonight I sleep a little lighter.

2020-10-18

Poem, poetry
hold my hand in the aftermath

I can be my own prince

Drag my own ass out of the fire

Make my own money

Buy my own toys

But its lonely on my own

I wish I had a partner to hold my hand

To listen after I’ve taken care of business

Who wants my strong and mighty self

Even when I’m not pretty or girly

I want to loved, not saved.

2020-10-08

Poem, poetry
fat hurts less

How do I explain

Why I live in this body

Why I don’t starve

Maybe rejection stings

Maybe ugly isn’t awesome

But I can’t escape allergic

When my skin aches

With general discomfort

Everything is swollen

And exercise hurts

Food is medicine

Food feels good

Drugs dull the mind

I want to live awake

Weight is the lesser evil

Fat hurts less.

2020-09-12

Poem, poetry
all my jiggle

Double chin

Whitchy wart

Jelly belly

Cheese thighs

Soft squishy

Warm cuddly

Massive me

Taking space.

2020-08-25

Poem, poetry
everyday love

You can’t win my affection

It isn’t a prize or a contest

I don’t want unpradictable romance

And sweeping gestures are obscene

The real test is everyday kindness

Paying attention and spending time

Woo me with many tender moments

Invest yourself and I will swoon.

2020-08-21

Poem, poetry
flawed snowflake

Being unique isn’t being the best

They are two different measures

When I compete with someone, I can loose

When I compete with myself, I will improve

Winning requires standards and conformity

While flaws can be a part of individuality

Self esteme is a wonderful thing

But often confused with superiority.

2020-08-10

Poem, poetry
sweet parting ways

Scorched earth is bitter smokey

Revenge is raw and bloddy

But a legacy is sappy sweet

Your regret should taste like sugar

When you realize what your missing

Winning is my happiness elsewhere

Not the bad taste I left

So I leave behind desert.

2020-07-23

Poem, poetry
your anger is not mine

I don’t choose to have enemies

Your anger isn’t my business

Until you set it in front of me

Even then, I don’t have to play tit for tat

I can decide not to engage

I can endeavor not to react

Maybe that means I’m not tough

Because I won’t play your game of dirty

I’m like my sweet and kind stuff

I see that anger is a chunky pill

It’ll weigh me down if I ingest it

And I don’t need it to feel full.

2020-07-18

Poem, poetry
good not great

I have a good personality

Not the median or the max

And above average intelligence

A solid “B” student

Patient and persistant

I mostly get stuff done

Loving but introverted

I may not be the best

Flawed and honest

But I’m certainly not the worst.

2020-07-09

Poem, poetry
theory into practice

Ideas abound

Untested theories to try

But the practical steps

Are not always so easy

There are books to read

But learning is limited by words

A model is a representation

Even a blueprint is on paper

Doing teaches us better

But adults are expected to know

Not to explore like a clumsy child

Failure is the freedom to try again

But forgiveness is rare

And mentors hard to find

All that left is persistence

The willingness to look foolish

To find a lessons in mistake

To keep trying regardless of reward.

2020-07-01

Poem, poetry
yearning for new grass

Daily watering the same brown patch

Investing hope in a color change

The lack of difference is exausting

The hints and promises of new growth

As the weeds get taller and grass dies

Endless false starts grind away hope

The grass isn’t always greener

But maybe a new start can wake us up

Maybe fresh hope is enough.

2020-06-17

Poem, poetry
people change for themselves

People can change

But they change for themselves

And they often don’t try to change

It is a natural, unexpected evolution

There comes a point when

The promise of future change is a lie

Where the pattern of actual behavior

Is clear and inescapable

At some point it’s time

to stop believing words repeated

To recognize actions as answers

To think about your power to choose

If you pin your future on another

You are at the behest if their behavior

If you choose your power of choice

You may not wait for change in another.

2020-06-13

Poem, poetry
personal apocalypse

That sick moment

when you realize the ugly truth

That you’ve invested yourself

In something that has no future

Where you stubbornly held faith

Sacrificed pieces of yourself

Gave into one sided compromise

For something that didn’t work

Suddenly, after so long,

You can’t keep from seeing it

The truth slaps you in the face

And the sun won’t let you sleep

You don’t want to give up

You hate the idea of giving in

But you can’t stand where you are

You ache to move forward

So you dive into the unknown

Gamble on the risk of worse

To relieve the pain of foolish

You choose a new costume.

2020-06-08

Poem, poetry
not on the picket line

I always knew I wouldn’t be out

If true unrest came to my time

And now it’s come to pass

In my safe bubble I feel anxiety

As I watch the world outside burn

Sacrifice is the precursor to equity

What they do is better than me

There is no excuse for my priveledge

I won’t justify my passivity

In my heart, I support those protesting

In my words, I support human rights

But, no, I’m not on the front lines.

2020-06-05

Poem, poetry
liar liar

Why do you lie frivolusly?

Throwing out half truths

With no real purpose

Why don’t you speak true,

When asked directly?

You say one thing

And then behave opposite

I don’t see your hidden purpose

I dont know your unspoken logic

And I’ve dared to ask for both

You just don’t make sense

I want to give you the benefit

I’m fighting my persistant doubt

My fault is in looking for good

When the evidence points to bad

I dont want to dismiss you completely

But I’m strugglig to see

The value you bring

The benefit of you

It’s sad, really.

2020-05-24

Poem, poetry
not my tantrum

If I’ve stated my case

Tried to be clear more than once

And you still won’t listen

I concede to your stuborn

Indifference is cruel

A worse punishment than anger

It’s not my business to fix you

It’s my right to go silent

I don’t reward bad behavior

I don’t participate in stupid

I don’t have to fight

Just because I’m right

You keep flailing at the wind

As I calmly walk away

You can have the win

I choose my own peace.

2020-05-20

Poem, poetry
supporting cast

Some of us are not the first choice

Not the significant other

Not even the best friend

Some of us are supporting cast

We may be the lead in our own story

But have no lines in another’s

Maybe we’re a lone wolf

Which sounds really romantic

Except for the separate part

The table for one part

The feeling like an outcast part

Some of us even prefer the quiet

A single bed in a studio apartment

A noted lack of roomates

No disruptions or chaos

Being alone isn’t all bad

It’s being lonely that sucks

Not knowing who to call

Not having holiday plans

Not being an emergency contact

Some of us know we arent the favorite

And this is the introverts dilemma

Maintaining much needed relationships

While sustaining much needed space.

2020-05-17

Poem, poetry
a biased animal

Embracing plurality is hard

The human animal likes familiar

Perfection is a false belief

True acceptance an ongoing battle

We are humans, not robots

We live with emotion

And individual perception

The best we can do

Is aim to know our bias

Try to understand our priveledge

Forgive our mistakes

Keep striving for wisdom

The complication keeps us alive

Too much same is boring

Our difference makes us beautiful.

2020-05-14

Poem, poetry
putting aside anger

My anger lives in me

That means I have a choice

I can choose to kick it out

Or make it go to its room

Or try to calm it with reason

My anger doesn’t control me

I don’t have to feed its fire

I don’t have to drink its poison

Sure, there are things I can’t fix

Awful things in this world

Things unfair, that hurt my heart

But I can choose how I feel

I can decide on forgiveness

And compassion and calm

I can make living with myself easier

By deciding to be the better person

Making anger an infrequent visitor.

2020-05-13

Poem, poetry
toxic masculinity

You tighten the screws on you nuts

And wonder why your dick hurts

We tell you unscrewing is an option

And you add weight to the aparatus

You wonder why love isn’t yours

As your lonely dick spewes hate

When we tell you love comes from love

You demand to be worshiped

Its hard to forgive the unrepentant

Impossible to teach the stubornly stupid

Sometimes we have to save ourselves

From the toxic perpetraited by your sex.

2020-05-12

Poem, poetry
quietly defiant

Faith is not changed through fact

Belief is belligerent and stubborn

Fighting face to face is fruitless

People change only for themselves

How do we persist without impatience

When the war we want to win

It about bringing both sides together

I can quietly persist in my defiance

My defiance can be faith in humanity

My belief can be that science saves us

My forgiveness will be for everyone.

2020-05-12

Poem, poetry
no life taken

“I don’t want you to die.”

I can say that honestly to anyone

While there are people I hate

People I don’t want near me

People I don’t want in a role of power

I don’t want them dead

I willfully don’t understand

murder, or execution, or war

So I certainly don’t understand

The willingness to sacrifice

The life of another for comfort

It is pure narcisim to think freedom

Is worth more than a strangers life

The frail deserve our protection

Culling the herd is a deplorable

A kind human heart knows

There is no disposable life.

2020-04-29

Poem, poetry
not made for immortaility

Youthful moments of decay

Living in a body that betrayes

Forces awareness of mortality

At an early age

Long as I have quality of life

Then living has immense value

And I eagerly choose to be alive

But there was no idylic healthy youth

To make me yearn for forever

Long as I’m trapped in this body

Immortality is not my fantasy.

2020-04-24

Poem, poetry
not always a hero

If the lead in great stories

Are the nice girl and the brave guy

And we are the lead of our own story

How do we end up in villain roles

As the mean girl or the shy guy

Is it in a group that we lose sight

Of who we are on our own

Do we fill a role defined by the many

Or is it simply the limit of perspective

That convinces us we are doing right

Even when we do great harm

How do we miss the flaws of humanity

How do we not see our own villany

Is this simply the grey part of life

Where we can’t know how we affect others

Where the hero isn’t always in the right.

2020-04-23

Poem, poetry
an hour more sleep

I don’t wanna spend my life

Sleep deprived and acting normal

Coffee can’t replace sleep

Money can’t sit in for sense of ease

What if self care really means

Accepting the lazy parts of self

Sometimes a finished job is flawed

And finished can be better than perfect

An hour more sleep and a little less stress

Decidining to be done in imperfection

Maybe it’s okay to be seen as lesser

Long as I have some more happiness.

2020-04-21

Poem, poetry