Tag: poetry

• Living Road

  Faded black pavement
  White stripes directing
  Analog road to elsewhere
  Flock of vehicles
  Construction gets in the way
  Making the drive longer
  Trapped in my metal cage
  Feeling tight with expectation
  Someday I’ll get home
  To the cool stillness.

  2017-08-14

  Poem, poetry

  ---

• About being different

  

  Some of us are outliers
  We hear the voices around us
  Telling stories of life
  And those tales do not match
  The world we live in

  There is a kind of silence
  A solitude in difference
  As speaking our abnormal
  Is shocking to be heard
  Even when to us
  Its comfortably familiar

  Conforming doesnt comfort
  It chafes againt our unique
  We stand to one side
  Just outside the crowd
  Looking for another deviant
  To bond with

  Not all of us are normal
  But all of us have value
  A place within this world
  Even if only to define
  The norm of all the rest.

  2017-08-14

  Poem, poetry

  ---

• You might hate me

  I embody percived stigma
  My health is not well
  My choice is no children
  My weight is not thin
  My religion is lacking
  My sexuality is fluid
  You might be shocked
  By my authentic self
  But I am not ashamed
  I reject the stigma
  I dont internalize the norm
  I accept me for who I am.

  2017-07-29

  authenticity, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Large lady

  I take up space
  Fill a room with my presence
  My arms and legs sprawled
  Loud voice across the room
  Wide hips staining my chair

  I am a large woman
  In size and confidence
  I’m not afraid to speak up
  I’m not afraid to be silent
  I speak when I want to

  It’s hard for me to understand
  Being small or unseen
  I am not a delicate flower
  I’m a gaudy boquet
  Big and bright and seen.

  2017-07-21

  fat, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Ex

  I miss the old you
  The person you were before
  He was kind and considerate
  He wasn’t so angry

  But I dont miss old me
  Now I know what I want
  I’m on a happy path
  I dont want to go back

  I know we both changed
  Our paths diverged
  We became different people
  We are no longer a match

  I will not let recent bad memories
  Erase all the good ones
  I wish the best for each of us
  As we go into the future seperately.

  2017-07-18

  angst, love, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Frantic whispers

  The high pitched shuffle
  Of voices repressed
  Makes my ears twitch
  Anxiety wonders
  who is the subject
  Of frantic whispers
  The incomplete phrazes
  Vaugely hinting at a topic
  and the longer I overhear
  I cant help but imagine
  They’re somehow talking about me
  When all I really know
  Is they’re talking near me.

  2017-07-09

  anxiety, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Viewpoints

  I dated a blind guy once
  He needed everything neat and orderly
  So he could memorize where to go
  I tried to keep things orderly
  So he could get around
  I was exausted trying to keep up
  Mess is a symptom of my fatigue
  He literally tripped over my disability
  I learned that we can have the same label
  But still have a very different experience.

  2017-07-04

  disability, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Disposable girl

  I grew up in a disposable world
  With an expiration date
  And better just around the bend
  We’re all replaced, eventually

  I wish there was a way
  To love insensely, to love freely
  Without feeling miserable
  When that love isn’t returned

  I was a sesitive kid
  So it always confused me
  When my friends got new friends
  And stopped spending time with me

  And as a teen I felt slighted
  When I was adored one moment
  Treated like a bright and shiney
  And then ignored the next

  As an adult I was estranged
  Rejected by my own blood
  Family told me I wasnt wanted
  Left me to fend for myself

  But the greatest betrayal
  Was undoubtedly my spouse
  The person who knew me best
  Who eventually stopped loving me

  I cannot  claim innocence
  As i have protected my heart
  Refused those who are inconsistant
  Rejected those who imply I’m less

  My love can be intense and clingy
  My honesty can scare away
  But I refuse to pretend im someone else
  Just to keep lonliness at bay.

  2017-06-24

  Poem, poetry

  ---

• Not sexy

  I am liberated from sexy
  Too old and fat and proud
  To be anyones objectification

  So much easier to be a feminist
  When men don’t acknowlede me
  And women don’t think me competition

  If all you see is my imperfect exterior
  and you can’t get past my gender
  Then I’ve escaped your attention

  My desirability no longer defines me
  I choose my brain and selfesteme
  And therin lies my freedom.

  2017-06-23

  feminist, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Art without audience

  

  Why do I persist
  When there is no audience
  To drink up my performance

  I put myself into words
  A product of my narcisism
  Weaving my reality into art

  There is no money to be had
  As my truth rings true
  Only for the few

  My name has no fame
  As I fail the social game
  Unable to sell myself

  There is the possibility
  That my art is apauling
  And lacks the key to longevity

  All thats left is myself
  Flailing at the vast expanse
  Creating for my own pleasure

  Of course I desire an audience
  But I compulsively persist in my art
  Even when no one cares to see.

  2017-05-30

  Poem, poetry

  ---

• More than sex

  I’m tired of having my worth defined
  By my performance as a sexual being
  I rebel against the idea
  That the value of my presence
  Is intertwined with physical intimacy
  I’m confounded that sexual satisfaction
  Is the litmus test of a lasting relationship
  Any sexually aware person knows that
  Orgasms are cheap and easy to attain
  And the fact that I’m sex positive
  Doesnt mean I’m eager to provide service
  I’m not interested in being hunter or prey
  Or at keeping some faux mystery alive
  If anything, my ability to satisfy myself
  Means I’m lonely for non-sexual touch
  I’m eager for comfort and familiarity
  I want something more in a partner
  Than a really good fuck.

  2017-05-30

  Poem, poetry, sex

  ---

• What's wrong?

  what’s wrong
  with a little social science
  a couple of words
  to a psychiatrist

  who’s to say
  that empirical data
  is faulty at the core
  our impressions don’t matter

  my words
  mean more than just me
  they can have meaning
  without a PhD

  so don’t throw
  your doubt and dissention
  as proof that my words
  don’t deserve attention

  if the game is to win
  there’ll always be someone more right
  if the point is to think
  then you’re the loser
  for trying to pick a fight.

  2017-05-28

  Poem, poetry

  ---

• Unto this flame…

  

  Percolating bodily orifices
  striving to bring me down
  into this frightening pit
  flaming underground,

  The sky might seem to sunny
  as to stifle my arrogant need
  what I’d give to see the sunlight
  off this dark and dismal steed,
  It draws me in the morning
  and fills the afternoon
  prolonging this evident torture
  of a deathless, surreal, cartoon;

  I am not the only sinner
  to never deny my need
  but could you please forgive me
  so I may continue my deeds.

  2017-05-28

  Poem, poetry

  ---

• Understanding

  the ones that get it
  are far and few between
  but at least they are
  exactly as they seem

  the ones that try to get it
  often fail in their attempt
  and the wrongness in their trying
  is only sometimes apparent

  the ones that think their right
  are a dime a dozen to find
  and only a few of those
  feign they’re broader of mind

  then there are the righteous
  that instruct on who is right
  they irk the kindest of souls
  and make us all want to fight

  In the end I count on one hand
  people near and dear to me
  that see what I see
  and accept who I be

  Perhaps my luck in life
  Is to have more than one
  Who tells me being myself is right
  and their judgement is wrong.

  2017-05-28

  Poem, poetry

  ---

• Twirl ducts

  Twirl ducts
  sopped in water
  as I may wander
  in reminiscence

  In a world of wonder
  neurosis fodders this mind
  and braids my consciousness
  in complicated patterns

  Has the thought
  crossed your sky
  that you were not safe
  not a place I could cry

  There’s value in reflection
  but what isn’t real
  disolves as transparent
  under grasping hands

  Awareness is brought.

  2017-05-28

  Poem, poetry

  ---

• Sad little boys

  sad little boys
  with their pathetic insults
  trying to make big of themselves
  by making small of me

  if only I were impressed
  instead of amused
  by their laughable attempts
  to bruise my ego

  I could respond
  and give them power
  or I can ignore
  and remove their bluster

  if only I was concerned
  by small minds
  and petty words
  such that I was moved

  but I’m not

  instead, I’m tickled
  by their persistence
  and spurned on
  by their stupidity

  their insults
  are my own words
  do they not realize,
  I beat them to the punch?

  what they consider insult
  I consider fact
  what they accuse me of
  I embrace with pride

  I may cockblock their dogedness
  as I’m moved to laughter
  but I won’t feign to fart
  at such pitiable overtures

  sad little boys
  so small and unimportant
  I rouse them to anger
  while they rouse me to laugh.

  2017-05-28

  authenticity, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Probability of Niceness

  To some it seems inconceivable
  that an atheist like myself
  could be more ethical than most

  you would think that religion
  the great doctrine of many
  would lead the rest of the world
  to a place of serene coexistence

  yet, I find that I’m the one
  thinking about my actions
  and considering the many benefits
  of kindness and consideration

  while my religious peers
  give into their baser impulses
  then ask forgiveness for their acts
  because God will understand
  if your sorry afterwards

  I have to live with my actions
  and wonder if I did wrong by another
  without any book to guide me
  or priest to hear my confession

  I have to think of how I acted
  and ask if there were choices I made
  where I could have chosen different
  and hurt others less

  I have to sort out my hypocrisy
  without a get-out-of-jail-free card

  I choose logic to guide me
  because the numbers say it best
  the mathematicians know why
  you find me more nice than mean
  it’s all about probability
  and the chance of a positive return

  there’s evidence to my point
  that people are more likely to be nice
  if you’re nice to them first

  sure, it’s a crapshoot
  there are no guarantees in this life
  you may roll the dice and find
  yourself on the losing side
  of another persons bad day

  but the odds are in your favor
  when you play the game
  with a positive perspective

  many mistake kindness for naiveté
  and align forgiving with forgetting
  but good guy’s don’t have to be stupid
  if you’re smart you’ll know the boundary
  between kindness and inviting abuse

  dare I suggest that you think a little
  that you aim for doing what’s right
  for some other reason than the old standby
  that someone else told you to

  there may be power in cruelty
  but I think there’s something more profound
  to be gotten out of a stray smile,
  a kind word, and a little consideration
  for your fellow human being.

  2017-05-28

  atheist, Poem, poetry

  ---

• My hearts greatest irony

  This is not about soot
  for then the fire must have died
  but instead about the wind
  as it cools this overheated flame

  The room was filled with smoke
  before we noticed the blaze
  and yet we piled the wood
  onto its billowing wings

  I would not contradict
  its beauty throughout it’s ire
  while still predicting the wish
  to tame what I have named
  The Fire

  So please understand my wish
  for one half is dark, coals and ashes
  while the other retains its brightness
  as it try’s to burn higher.

  2017-05-28

  love, Poem, poetry

  ---

• maybe I do.

  maybe I do think I’m better
  that I deserve more
  than casual relationships
  with casual friends
  that are casual with me

  my feeling aren’t casual
  they deserve due diligence and gentle care
  I’m strong and tough and sure of myself
  but when I let someone in
  I let them past my armor
  and leave myself defenseless
  in their presence

  the problem with vulnerability
  is that it means someone can break you
  a passing word or meaningless action
  can pierce you to the core
  and when people are casual
  they don’t think to walk carefully
  or make an effort to not break
  the things around them

  it always surprises me
  how my friends can be so careful
  with material possessions
  but, at the same time,
  how they can be so careless
  with the people in their lives
  that they profess love for

  I want to know that my counterparts
  will put in the work it takes
  Any athlete knows that it takes work
  to become great at something
  and only when you’re great at that thing
  does it start to look effortless
  Is it so wrong of me
  to think that my friends
  should be that well versed
  in the sport of friendship?

  maybe I’m a weirdo
  for thinking my friends
  should be nicer to me
  than they would be to a stranger

  before now, I didn’t consider
  what it meant when I was accused
  of acting like I was “better than”
  I cringed at the accusation
  because I don’t think I deserve anymore
  than everyone else in the world
  I don’t put myself up high
  on some sort of pedestal

  I think everyone deserves
  a friend that’ll put in the work
  someone that won’t take them for granted
  or assume they’ll be around
  that’ll ask them what they think
  and care about how they feel

  and, if that means,
  that everyone thinks
  I consider myself I’m better than
  then I’ll just feel sad
  because they don’t get it
  There’s something better to be had
  and if you don’t grasp for it
  you’ll be stuck with the suck
  instead of bathing in greatness.

  2017-05-28

  authenticity, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Lick

  lick your lips
  for me

  I can’t reach
  across the distance
  to where you are

  Space may separate us
  but my thoughts
  are with you still

  I may lay awake
  imagining
  your body close
  warm flesh against mine
  that I love so dear

  Taste them
  and tell me
  how it feels
  as if I were there
  to lick them
  for you.

  2017-05-28

  Poem, poetry, sex

  ---

• Whine

  Why do I whine
  it doesn’t make any more time
  or really change the situation

  but it’s a release
  it pops the bubble I keep
  a balloon inside of me

  my attitude is my worth
  to keep me floating along
  and singing a happy song

  so what is right
  about letting my voice go high
  entering into a sigh

  except to move on later
  let go of what was dragging
  so I can float by

  maybe there is some point
  to making a sour face
  as long as I know it’s place

  today I cry out sourly
  for the things I can’t have
  grump for only a moment, dourly

  so tomorrow I can embrace
  the world with a happy face
  and no more wine to indulge

  2017-05-25

  authenticity, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Decisive

  I made a choice
  it wasn’t a hard choice
  I wanted to love my life
  to live it like I want
  instead of follow another path

  I live my choice
  it isn’t easy to live
  to be content instead of comfortable
  to be fulfilled instead of rich
  sometime it’s so hard
  I wish I could wish again

  But I stick with it
  I play the game
  and sometimes win
  just the same, my tears
  they mark the hardest part
  and my happiness the best

  I never feel like my life
  was chosen by another
  or regret that I choose
  instead of throwing my choice away
  but it’s hard
  sometimes real hard
  to have what I want
  and live in this world.

  2017-05-24

  authenticity, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Bright Sad

  bright boys eat
  whatever may come
  because they can’t see
  what they’ve done

  sad girls lay
  with limbs open wide
  because they think life
  isn’t a word to be tried

  don’t go there
  said the men to the boys
  what those girls offer
  isn’t all fun and joy

  dust yourself off
  say’s the ladies to the girls
  keep those secrets sacred
  and boys’ll give you the world

  here I stand alone
  not sure what to say
  struck by the awareness
  that sex isn’t a game you play.

  2017-05-24

  Poem, poetry

  ---

• Almighty father

  I don’t need a big daddy
  Who knows everything I do
  Makes me beg for his attention
  While demanding unwavering loyalty

  I don’t want an absentee father
  That never speaks directly
  And yet managed to dictate rules
  Put on paper eons before I was born

  I’m supposed to want a papa
  But I’m not yearning to be overseen
  Or pining for the scales of afterlife
  Heaven seems boring and hell unfair

  Perhaps my atheism is feminist
  Because religion seems male to me
  Just like I don’t need a man in my life
  I don’t choose an almighty father

  2017-05-24

  atheist, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Stranger danger

  Dear stranger
  I wish you didn’t make me uncomfortable
  And I wish I didn’t expect the worst
  But instant excitement scares me
  And your attention puts me at unease
  At first my bold ways titlate
  Often the idea of me seems to appeal
  But as time passes I hear judgement
  Those less than subtle hints
  Criticim meant to be constructive
  Suggesting I become more acceptable
  That I’d be better off a little less special
  But I am not the kind who tries to fit
  I was raised to like myself
  To embrace my authenticity
  Your fleeting affection is no match
  For my persistent sense of self
  You can’t coerce me into normal
  This is the curse of an iconoclast
  More lonely in a crowd of strangers
  Than sitting alone with myself.

  2017-05-23

  authenticity, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Malleable memory

  

  Memory is malleable by design
  We remember things imagined
  Wake up from realistic dreams
  This is more than poetic
  It is science fact

  I am not trying to steal
  The truth of things remembered
  Because truth isn’t fact
  We recall the the experience of then
  Seen through the understanding of now

  My mind wants to believe it’s constant
  It can’t refute the influence of time
  It can’t see the subtle changes in me
  I know NOW like it was always
  Caught rapt in the reality of today

  My experience does not match yours
  It’s a distorted window at best
  Our very personal perceptions
  Woven into a tapestry of experience
  Sealed in an ever changing vault

  So I try not to let the weight of time
  Turn all my memories sour
  If I must live with a malliable memory
  Then I choose a gentler interpretation
  A rose colored hue on my soft focus past.

  2017-05-14

  authenticity, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Webble wobble

  Inner ear ineffective
  Unsteadily upright
  Firmly flat feet
  Waddle wobble walk
  Balance broken
  Grace goes gone
  Dropping down
  Suddenly sitting
  Pause petulantly
  Ready for repeat

  2017-04-20

  disability, Poem, poetry

  ---

• What haves?

  

  I didn’t have a picket fence
  Or two parents
  Or a childhood home
  I knew love but not constancy

  I did have a loving mother
  And thirst for knowledge
  And blanket acceptance
  I was taught authenticity

  The things that make me weird
  Nearly balance my normal
  I understand what I didn’t have
  I rejoice in what I did.

  2017-04-12

  authenticity, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Persistently plesant

  

  Sure, nice people are fake
  A momentary annoyance hidden
  A fleeting judgement repressed
  We make an effort to brighten the world
  That doesn’t happen naturally

  The world is a random place
  Its easy to find harsh reality
  Nice people defy that expectation
  We know a smile is infectious
  One good apple brightens the bunch

  So, yeah, I am persistently pleasant
  Like a sunny spot on cool grass
  I don’t have to try hard
  Because my nice is a habit
  Something I’ve cultivated in myself

  So I put a smile on
  And I encourage the room
  Because I like to live in a nice world
  And if nice is bad because fake is bad
  Then call me bad, but nicely please.

  2017-04-07

  authenticity, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Eating the colors

  

  Putting things in order
  A little piece of peace
  Candy colors in a row
  Eat them by the number

  OCD they tease
  Observing my routine
  as if playing with my food
  says something about me

  maybe I’m odd
  making patterns from chaos
  I agree I find comfort
  In structure and design

  Candies are gone
  but I’ll do it again
  lining up the colors
  and eating the pattern

  2017-04-04

  authenticity, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Supposing naught sin

  She licked her lower lip
  Like there was something to suppose
  A question not so often asked
  Of chubby girls or loose women
  Is it contained between chaste thighs
  The sweet innocence of always?
  Can knowing what we know
  be a woman’s wrath at redemption?
  The confusion is not within
  We know we are both, not other
  A sin is only a sin when defined
  A lover must be loved by another.

  2017-04-04

  feminist, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Oh gender role

  Oh men…
  The strong ones subjugate
  And the weak ones prostrate
  And the lack of equanimity
  Leaves me at a loss

  Oh women…
  The powerful ones manipulate
  And the quiet ones regulate
  We are our own enemy
  In the game of equality

  Oh me oh my…
  At times I’m girly and silly
  Or boyish and rough
  Or womanly and gentile
  Or manly and strong

  Oh gender role…
  The world is hard enough
  Without your restrictive decree
  My gender may be female
  But my personality is made of me

  2017-03-24

  feminist, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Foggy

  Fluffy fog
  Thick cotton air
  Tastes like wet
  Smells like cold
  The world lacks depth
  Eyes strain for distance
  Romantic lens
  Comedic pratfall

  2017-03-23

  Poem, poetry

  ---

• Lazy brain

  Dull thud
  As the brain gives up
  In a fit of lazy

  It oozes down
  Softly pooling as mushy grey
  Undimpled ignorance

  Its not natural
  A lack of intellectual ciriosity
  The synaptic silence

  Inertia is inevitable
  But comes more quickly
  When unchallenged

  2017-03-23

  Poem, poetry, reflection

  ---

• After the ever

  She always knew she’d get married
  but was unprepared to be divorced
  The end came out of nowhere
  After a slow road of decline

  They felt superior to other couples
  Like they shared a special secret
  All their faults were somehow perfect
  They were a match like no other

  The dream felt permanent
  When she was in the middle of it
  She knew he loved her like no other
  There was never a doubt of her in him

  Until the day when he was different
  When she felt alone in his presence
  And the love she knew for certain
  Was shadowed by heavy doubt

  No girl dreams of divorce
  No woman hopes to end up alone
  None of us try to imagine
  What comes after forever

  The surprise was after the end
  She didn’t enjoy being divorced
  But she liked not not existing for him
  Being for herself was enough.

  2017-01-09

  feminist, Poem, poetry

  ---

• The lie of normal

  I’m an ordinary girl
  I tell myself
  Just like any other girl
  Everyone feels like they don’t belong
  That’s what they say
  The grand them of authority
  The nameless dominance of normal
  It all feels like a lie
  A lie from them to calm me
  A lie I’m supposed to tell myself
  A lie my true self rejects
  At least one thing is true
  everyone around me
  is too wrapped up in their own shit
  to notice me losing mine.

  2016-10-25

  angst, authenticity, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Fat acceptance

  My fat is political
  I dont restrict calories
  I don’t talk dieting
  I have no plans to change

  If you think fat is a personality deficit
  If you can’t get past appearance
  If you are simply repulsed
  Then my fat is a barrier

  I won’t bond over self hate
  I don’t buy into the shame
  I refuse to fight my body
  I’m not spending my life hungry

  I deliberately defy convention
  I eat in public
  I wear cute outfits
  I’m bright and smiling and fat

  My body is a protest
  My personality a gift
  I accept my size
  I love myself

  I wish the same for you.

  2016-06-24

  authenticity, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Born a blue baby

  Struggling for breath
  Flemmy even then
  Used to wail to be fed
  Mom’d serve me
  Choke on my snot
  Throw up what I ate
  Mom cleaned me up
  And I’m wailing again
  Babies don’t choose
  Breath or hunger.

  2016-06-01

  disability, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Labels

  Fat, sick, poor, slut
  Accepting my nonstandard body
  Living within physical limitations
  Finding joy in simplicity
  Embracing my female power

  Happy with who I am.

  2016-05-26

  authenticity, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Layover girl

  I never wanted to be a layover girl
  to fill a space in your bed
  while you waited for her

  She’s the one you want
  that girl you haven’t met yet
  the perfect ideal of a girl

  you think me easy
  that I’m eager to keep you company
  while you’re waiting

  but I want to be special
  A girl above the rest
  not a body to fill a space

  I deserve more
  Than to be here for your comfort
  and to make you feel at ease

  I’m not a tossed away thought
  or a comic side story
  for you to tell later

  so I’m not gonna hold your hand
  and be your inbetween
  while you dream of the right one

  because I’m somebody elses girl
  Who want’s more than my layover
  I just haven’t met them yet.

  2016-04-21

  love, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Smile anyway

  Most of us struggle
  At some point
  Trauma doesn’t discriminate
  And life isn’t fair

  There is worth
  In being authentic
  You have a right to feel
  Especially when things suck

  The question is
  What do you hold onto?
  Do you linger on the negative?
  Or do you move on?

  Its easy to choose bitter
  Bad memories pile up
  And effectively suffocate
  The good ones

  The hard choice
  Is to choose happiness
  To revisit the positive
  And forget the bad luck

  Some consider it fake
  Forcing a smile
  But I find the smile lingers
  Even when I force it

  A positive attitude
  Won’t change reality
  But it will change
  How you feel

  Life sucks,
  Smile anyway.

  2016-04-17

  authenticity, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Wo-MAN-liness

  If only manly traits
  Were sexy in a woman
  I’m smart, funny, and confident
  I have a job and I’m ambitious
  I’d make a great husband

  But, as a woman,
  I’m perceived as bitchy
  And pushy and weird
  I’m not pretty enough
  I’m not docile enough
  I’m not an object of desire

  The flip side?
  Being unattractive
  Means I’m not prey
  Men don’t catcall
  They don’t leer
  They don’t stalk
  At worst they ridicule

  But I’m confident enough
  That I don’t care
  I’d rather be happy with me
  Than try to be someone else.

  2016-03-01

  feminist, Poem, poetry

  ---

• My subjective perception

  It hurts when you question
  My perception
  While it’s true
  You may know fact better
  You can’t know what I feel
  Or what I experience
  Better than I
  No one can dictate
  My subjective perception
  I own that
  Just the same
  As you know you

  2016-02-28

  authenticity, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Brainfog

  My memory is muddled
  Like a dirty pond
  My conciseness affected
  Flirting with delirium

  Better living through chemistry
  Is my way to clarity
  It doesn’t mean party drugs
  Or avoiding my reality

  I fight the dissociative
  Cling to sharp moments
  I can’t imagine
  Trying to be muted

  But this isn’t my choice
  My body fights pain
  By removing memory
  The wipe isn’t selective

  One moment naiveté like a newborn
  The next wise from trauma
  I don’t get to know what is lost
  I don’t get to decide what is kept

  Losing words and thoughts
  Not remember the details
  Sure makes harsh reality
  look better than lost reality.

  2016-02-26

  disability, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Correction

  I’d rather know what’s true
  That to stubornly act right
  I never did understand
  How admitting our mistakes
  Is taken as weakness
  Bravery is asking for more information
  Confirming what you do or don’t know

  I don’t live in black and white
  Fact is proven theory
  But theory can be disproved
  Additional minutia can be discovered
  A theory can be proven again

  The details make a difference
  My apple may be green
  Your apple may be red
  Were both talking about apples
  And yet one is tart and the other sweet

  If I take a beat
  Admit to my limited scope
  Review my assumptions
  Ask about your apple
  Maybe I could learn
  Maybe we could communicate

  If I still think you’re wrong
  I can always build my case
  Show the proof of my position
  Or I could choose to back off
  Because it’s not my responcibility
  To make you right

  Knowing what’s true often means
  Admitting I’m could be wrong
  And being open to learning right.

  2016-02-23

  authenticity, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Accepting the difference

  No once chooses their trauma
  Or wants to be always set apart
  The idea that rape is a lie
  Or disability is a lie
  Or inequality is a lie
  Is a misunderstanding
  A lack of exposure
  A lack of experience
  We disenfranchised
  Are seen in extremes
  Either saintly courage
  Or sinful weakness
  The extremes make us seperate
  Place us outside the norm
  Some of us wear our label proudly
  To refute the silence
  To refuse the loneliness
  Despite a lack of reward
  Making it known is judged harshly
  When, in truth, attention seekers are rare
  But are no less damaged
  Because no one chooses their trauma
  No one chooses to always feel apart

  If we are lucky find self-acceptance
  We find others who make us feel normal
  We make the best of what we didn’t choose.

  2016-02-22

  authenticity, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Finding happy

  Money won’t make you happy
  But poverty will make you miserable
  Struggling to survive is the worst
  But excess is too much
  The median is where we do best

  People can’t make you happy
  But loneliness will tear you down
  We are hard wired for companionship
  And, yet, can feel lonely in a crowd
  We need those deep connections

  Priveledge can’t bring happiness
  Any more than being disenfranchised
  Most of us carry some burden
  We can try to see what we have
  and acknowledge what we dont.

  The lesson I learn, everyday,
  Is happiness isn’t a destination
  It’s bright moments on the journey
  We can adjust our attitude
  We can embrace fleeting moments
  We can choose to recognize our happy

  The grass is greenest where we water it.

  2016-02-22

  authenticity, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Anxious

  Suspended above my wakeful brain
  Invisible threads of dread
  Playing my mind as a marionette
  Spinning the worst-case scenario
  My awareness is blithely unaware
  Until I lay in bed, waiting for sleep
  Then a play is put into production
  It’s bright in the darkness
  Loud in the silence
  I regret what I don’t regret
  I question what I’m sure of
  I wish that I could go to sleep
  Because the inconsistency is fleeting
  A new morning brings a sharp mind
  No longer muddled by rumination
  Rest washes away the anxiety
  Gives me a clean slate
  If only night didn’t stand in the way
  Of that clear new day.

  2016-02-18

  disability, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Invisibility

  I know you don’t understand
  I’m not sure you ever will
  This isn’t something you can teach
  Because this isn’t teachable
  I struggle even to explain
  Your privaeledge is in the way
  But i don’t hold that against you
  No one wants this experience
  No one chooses this reality
  It is forced upon us unlucky
  And there’s nothing fair about it
  I’m sad my truth is in the way of us
  I’m resigned to the distance it creates
  But I’m also proud of myself
  For being honest about my world
  Even if that makes you uncomfortable.

  2016-02-13

  disability, Poem, poetry

  ---

• Sad ending.

  You won’t understand
  Because you can’t
  And it hurts my heart
  To know it

  The sacrifices
  I make for myself
  Are the least I expect
  From a partner

  Seems so small to me
  This simple expectation
  It’s hard to understand
  How you could refute it

  But I see it’s undoable
  A reality unreal
  You can’t even imagine
  Not in your realm

  So much hope
  A future unsung
  Seperate truths
  A sad ending

  I wish you the best
  I morn my loss
  As we move on
  Forever apart.

  2015-12-03

  love, Poem, poetry

  ---