Elizebeth Turnquist

I don’t want to lose 

I dreamt I loved a monster

This morning I felt like crying

It’s not common to meet a man

Masturbation gives me a hangover

An unexpected visitor, 

Am I a cog in the machine?
I was raised to believe in special
That we all want to stand out
The each of us has value
But in a unique way
And yet I am finding comfort
In my simple everyday
I am not shiney or special
My life is dwindling away
As a tiny component of the whole
My perspective may be different
But my actions are mundane
A supporting member of the chorus
Nothing to be seen here
I’ve faded into grey
My life isn’t over
But it is unexpected
That I blend in.

You can’t propagate compassion
By defining an enemy
The problem with us vs them
Is the barrier it errects
Sometimes you have to see
Through the eyes of priveledge
To understand how to advocate
For the rights of disenfranchised
Admitting that they are losing something
To equalize the playing field
Can be a part of the strategy
To bring them on board
To make us all into us.

Choosing not to ingest unplesantness
Means bad behavior doesn’t earn my ire
There is no gain in me inflicting pain
That only teaches others to inflict

It’s not mine to inform your life
I can leave, you have to live in you
Shrugging off your look of disdain
My smile comes with me as I turn away

The world is full of choices
And unhappy is certainly an option
But the small rewards in a random smile
Are so much more my style

Sometimes persistent
Often patient
Compulsively creative
But not really good

My audience is me
I do cause it feels good
The act of art comforts
The journey is my goal

Yeah, I’m productive
Prolific even
But I don’t practice
I don’t improve

Not trying for better
Don’t care to compete
Not studying masters
Or seeking the masses

I share my art
Like a child showing off
Look at my ugly creation
See the joy it brought me

If you find value
I feel good to share
If you feel distain
I’m not sure I care.

I’m trying to remember my compassion
As I see your priveledge torn from you
You’re knocked down a few pegs
Made equal with those you lord over
Like a spoiled child used to having it all
Suddenly you are forced to share
And that can feel so unfair
But your feeling is a reaction
To sudden equilibrium
The adjustment to a new normal
May feel uncomfortable (for you)
But it is deserved (for us all)
And you will adjust (in time)
What we take from you wasn’t yours
It is proper and fair for you to share
So I feel empathy for your angst
But also ritcheous in the outcome.

What’s said behind my back
Isn’t my business
I don’t choose to carry anger
Or bitterness in my heart
I can’t stop what you think
Anymore than I can guess it
And it isn’t my business to know
Unless you are willing to speak up

Its my choice to listen
When criticism is brought to me
But I also choose to decide
If I find truth in those words
When what you say isn’t my truth
I chose to stay true to myself
Regardless of what you think

Self regard may not win me popularity
But it makes being alone more bearable.

Two faced liar
Peddling half truth
Making passing assurances
Just to shut me up

The lies you tell to others
Disprove the lies you tell me
I see the truth in your actions
Patterns of behavior betray you

I don’t understand
The point of your position
How is it you don’t learn
Each new time you get caught

Messy webs you weave
Get tangled by your actions
You try to worm your way out
Slither past the mess you’ve made

Somehow you aren’t fazed
As you go on to lie another day.

What a person wears
How a person looks
Why a person chooses
Is not an invitation

Objectification is a thought
It isnt the act taken
The unreality if an object
Does not circumvent consent

Decent human beings
Know that no person is less
Gender doesn’t gave hierarchy
No one has the right to harm.

If there only were an invisible bubble
That could save me from reactions
That wasn’t stuffy and confining
Soft climate control and a low fan
To kept the natural part of nature
Away from my bodies unnatural response

I love the feel of grass under my feet
And the sight of trees above me
And the smell of damp earth
I just don’t like the sneezing and sniffles
The next day boogers and phlegm

I resent the swirling air of dust
That irritates on a windy day
Repulsed by the fragrant fermentation
Of earth composting after rain
Surviving the sweet floral smell
Through the sheer act of avoidance

I put a photo of the forrest
On my monitor at home and work
I live vicariously through video
Seeing the world through a small screen
The world I live in may not be ideal
But I choose distance over discomfort.

Sometimes it’s about perspective
What we have vs what we don’t
I may not have health, physical or mental
I have never been, or known, the idle rich
But I am smart and employed
I have love that encouraged my voice
I comfort myself with my creativity
Sometimes I have to count my dollars
Be careful in my choosing of supplies
But I have more than one canvas
I have more than one paint
I have more than one brush
My art is my priveledge.

Appearance is our first impression
Proceeding words spoken
I aim for clean and cute
I hope for a second consideration

I don’t always object to being an object
But the object I don’t want to be
Is an object to be owned
An object chassing affection

In my old age, I’m tired of sexy
I’m frustrated by the expectation
I wish my body wasn’t a barter
I rebel againt “keeping it up”

I want to be a free range object
Living between “looking nice”
And “keeping a mate”
My style is for my pleasure

Attractive is relative
And personality effects perception
I hope to be disliked for what I say
Not for how I look.

We get so used to fighting the “them”
That we start to fight our “us”
We waste our time refining “us”
And lose the message to minutia

But it isn’t always about one voice
Or one consistent message
The details aren’t as important
As the thread that binds us

Our allies make us stronger
Teachers further our message
A chorus makes us louder
Division can only divide us

There is value in varied perspectives
The old voice brings wisdom
The young voice brings change
The dissenting voice brings reflection

A unexpected spark in one person
Grows to a slow burn in the many
Flames can come together as a wildfire
But won’t survive if they’re doused.

I don’t choose a world
of don’ts and can’ts
I live my world in try
and fail and try again
Sometimes I get success
I always get productive.

Grief is an odd thing
like a slap in the face
it’s surprises and stings
and leaves a mark

It can come in waves
crashing over us
pulling us under
suffocating under the weight

Other times it’s a numbness
as if nothing has changed
but the colors are muted
The day a bit less bright

For a moment it isnt so bad
And then grief sneaks up on us
because it lives with us always
the visits just get less frequent

We go on in this incomplete world
A world that keeps moving
A new day that keeps dawning
We live with what it is.

Is happiness content
Like a long slow walk
Or is it bubbling joy
Like a burst of pleasure
I have experienced both
But live with neither
I am unsettled and uneven
Like a well worn road
My discomfort is familiar
Even as it disatisies
I aim for content
Grasping moments of joy
And still dont understand
Exactly what happiness is.

Change isnt for the better
Its random and messy
It sneaks up on a person
Long time coming and suddenly here

Change isnt for the worst
Its personal evolution
Unexpected metamophisis
Waking up with a point-of-view

Change is rarely a choice
People dont change when they try
They change because life happens
Because you can’t escape growth

Change is a netural force
It is both big and small
You cant capture or avoid it
But you can learn to acept it.

This body didn’t come with a return policy
I didn’t get to choose its defects
Neither did I choose my circumstances
In how I was raised or where I came from
This is the life I was given

I could lament the randomness
And spend my days bemoaning
Because my life is often not easy
Everyday is tainted by struggles
That don’t seem to be the norm

In one way I lucked out
Exposed to two versions of suffering
One who pained all those around her
Another who choose a better attitude
I got to learn there is a choice

I dont want to pass around my pain
And this isnt always an easy achievement
Sometimes discomfort makes me silent
But when I can, I choose plesant
I aim to be a brighter presence

There are things in life
I did not choose and cannot change
But my attitude is not one of those
I decide my small affect on this world
With a smile instead of a grimace.

Young people are assholes
Not on purpose, mind you
Their honesty is oblivious
They dont have years of experience
To explain others behavior
They blithely assume
That we are all the same
They are ignorant to difference
Until someone teaches them
That all snowflakes are frozen water
But each one has a unique design
And we humans live in that contrast
Each of us the same and different.

Faded black pavement
White stripes directing
Analog road to elsewhere
Flock of vehicles
Construction gets in the way
Making the drive longer
Trapped in my metal cage
Feeling tight with expectation
Someday I’ll get home
To the cool stillness.