I miss the old you
The person you were before
He was kind and considerate
He wasn’t so angry
But I dont miss old me
Now I know what I want
I’m on a happy path
I dont want to go back
I know we both changed
Our paths diverged
We became different people
We are no longer a match
I will not let recent bad memories
Erase all the good ones
I wish the best for each of us
As we go into the future seperately.
The high pitched shuffle
Of voices repressed
Makes my ears twitch
Anxiety wonders
who is the subject
Of frantic whispers
The incomplete phrazes
Vaugely hinting at a topic
and the longer I overhear
I cant help but imagine
They’re somehow talking about me
When all I really know
Is they’re talking near me.
I dated a blind guy once
He needed everything neat and orderly
So he could memorize where to go
I tried to keep things orderly
So he could get around
I was exausted trying to keep up
Mess is a symptom of my fatigue
He literally tripped over my disability
I learned that we can have the same label
But still have a very different experience.
I grew up in a disposable world
With an expiration date
And better just around the bend
We’re all replaced, eventually
I wish there was a way
To love insensely, to love freely
Without feeling miserable
When that love isn’t returned
I was a sesitive kid
So it always confused me
When my friends got new friends
And stopped spending time with me
And as a teen I felt slighted
When I was adored one moment
Treated like a bright and shiney
And then ignored the next
As an adult I was estranged
Rejected by my own blood
Family told me I wasnt wanted
Left me to fend for myself
But the greatest betrayal
Was undoubtedly my spouse
The person who knew me best
Who eventually stopped loving me
I cannot claim innocence
As i have protected my heart
Refused those who are inconsistant
Rejected those who imply I’m less
My love can be intense and clingy
My honesty can scare away
But I refuse to pretend im someone else
Just to keep lonliness at bay.
I am liberated from sexy
Too old and fat and proud
To be anyones objectification
So much easier to be a feminist
When men don’t acknowlede me
And women don’t think me competition
If all you see is my imperfect exterior
and you can’t get past my gender
Then I’ve escaped your attention
My desirability no longer defines me
I choose my brain and selfesteme
And therin lies my freedom.
I’m tired of having my worth defined
By my performance as a sexual being
I rebel against the idea
That the value of my presence
Is intertwined with physical intimacy
I’m confounded that sexual satisfaction
Is the litmus test of a lasting relationship
Any sexually aware person knows that
Orgasms are cheap and easy to attain
And the fact that I’m sex positive
Doesnt mean I’m eager to provide service
I’m not interested in being hunter or prey
Or at keeping some faux mystery alive
If anything, my ability to satisfy myself
Means I’m lonely for non-sexual touch
I’m eager for comfort and familiarity
I want something more in a partner
Than a really good fuck.
the ones that get it
are far and few between
but at least they are
exactly as they seem
the ones that try to get it
often fail in their attempt
and the wrongness in their trying
is only sometimes apparent
the ones that think their right
are a dime a dozen to find
and only a few of those
feign they’re broader of mind
then there are the righteous
that instruct on who is right
they irk the kindest of souls
and make us all want to fight
In the end I count on one hand
people near and dear to me
that see what I see
and accept who I be
Perhaps my luck in life
Is to have more than one
Who tells me being myself is right
and their judgement is wrong.
Twirl ducts
sopped in water
as I may wander
in reminiscence
In a world of wonder
neurosis fodders this mind
and braids my consciousness
in complicated patterns
Has the thought
crossed your sky
that you were not safe
not a place I could cry
There’s value in reflection
but what isn’t real
disolves as transparent
under grasping hands
Awareness is brought.
sad little boys
with their pathetic insults
trying to make big of themselves
by making small of me
if only I were impressed
instead of amused
by their laughable attempts
to bruise my ego
I could respond
and give them power
or I can ignore
and remove their bluster
if only I was concerned
by small minds
and petty words
such that I was moved
but I’m not
instead, I’m tickled
by their persistence
and spurned on
by their stupidity
their insults
are my own words
do they not realize,
I beat them to the punch?
what they consider insult
I consider fact
what they accuse me of
I embrace with pride
I may cockblock their dogedness
as I’m moved to laughter
but I won’t feign to fart
at such pitiable overtures
sad little boys
so small and unimportant
I rouse them to anger
while they rouse me to laugh.
To some it seems inconceivable
that an atheist like myself
could be more ethical than most
you would think that religion
the great doctrine of many
would lead the rest of the world
to a place of serene coexistence
yet, I find that I’m the one
thinking about my actions
and considering the many benefits
of kindness and consideration
while my religious peers
give into their baser impulses
then ask forgiveness for their acts
because God will understand
if your sorry afterwards
I have to live with my actions
and wonder if I did wrong by another
without any book to guide me
or priest to hear my confession
I have to think of how I acted
and ask if there were choices I made
where I could have chosen different
and hurt others less
I have to sort out my hypocrisy
without a get-out-of-jail-free card
I choose logic to guide me
because the numbers say it best
the mathematicians know why
you find me more nice than mean
it’s all about probability
and the chance of a positive return
there’s evidence to my point
that people are more likely to be nice
if you’re nice to them first
sure, it’s a crapshoot
there are no guarantees in this life
you may roll the dice and find
yourself on the losing side
of another persons bad day
but the odds are in your favor
when you play the game
with a positive perspective
many mistake kindness for naiveté
and align forgiving with forgetting
but good guy’s don’t have to be stupid
if you’re smart you’ll know the boundary
between kindness and inviting abuse
dare I suggest that you think a little
that you aim for doing what’s right
for some other reason than the old standby
that someone else told you to
there may be power in cruelty
but I think there’s something more profound
to be gotten out of a stray smile,
a kind word, and a little consideration
for your fellow human being.
This is not about soot
for then the fire must have died
but instead about the wind
as it cools this overheated flame
The room was filled with smoke
before we noticed the blaze
and yet we piled the wood
onto its billowing wings
I would not contradict
its beauty throughout it’s ire
while still predicting the wish
to tame what I have named
The Fire
So please understand my wish
for one half is dark, coals and ashes
while the other retains its brightness
as it try’s to burn higher.
maybe I do think I’m better
that I deserve more
than casual relationships
with casual friends
that are casual with me
my feeling aren’t casual
they deserve due diligence and gentle care
I’m strong and tough and sure of myself
but when I let someone in
I let them past my armor
and leave myself defenseless
in their presence
the problem with vulnerability
is that it means someone can break you
a passing word or meaningless action
can pierce you to the core
and when people are casual
they don’t think to walk carefully
or make an effort to not break
the things around them
it always surprises me
how my friends can be so careful
with material possessions
but, at the same time,
how they can be so careless
with the people in their lives
that they profess love for
I want to know that my counterparts
will put in the work it takes
Any athlete knows that it takes work
to become great at something
and only when you’re great at that thing
does it start to look effortless
Is it so wrong of me
to think that my friends
should be that well versed
in the sport of friendship?
maybe I’m a weirdo
for thinking my friends
should be nicer to me
than they would be to a stranger
before now, I didn’t consider
what it meant when I was accused
of acting like I was “better than”
I cringed at the accusation
because I don’t think I deserve anymore
than everyone else in the world
I don’t put myself up high
on some sort of pedestal
I think everyone deserves
a friend that’ll put in the work
someone that won’t take them for granted
or assume they’ll be around
that’ll ask them what they think
and care about how they feel
and, if that means,
that everyone thinks
I consider myself I’m better than
then I’ll just feel sad
because they don’t get it
There’s something better to be had
and if you don’t grasp for it
you’ll be stuck with the suck
instead of bathing in greatness.
lick your lips
for me
I can’t reach
across the distance
to where you are
Space may separate us
but my thoughts
are with you still
I may lay awake
imagining
your body close
warm flesh against mine
that I love so dear
Taste them
and tell me
how it feels
as if I were there
to lick them
for you.
Why do I whine
it doesn’t make any more time
or really change the situation
but it’s a release
it pops the bubble I keep
a balloon inside of me
my attitude is my worth
to keep me floating along
and singing a happy song
so what is right
about letting my voice go high
entering into a sigh
except to move on later
let go of what was dragging
so I can float by
maybe there is some point
to making a sour face
as long as I know it’s place
today I cry out sourly
for the things I can’t have
grump for only a moment, dourly
so tomorrow I can embrace
the world with a happy face
and no more wine to indulge
I made a choice
it wasn’t a hard choice
I wanted to love my life
to live it like I want
instead of follow another path
I live my choice
it isn’t easy to live
to be content instead of comfortable
to be fulfilled instead of rich
sometime it’s so hard
I wish I could wish again
But I stick with it
I play the game
and sometimes win
just the same, my tears
they mark the hardest part
and my happiness the best
I never feel like my life
was chosen by another
or regret that I choose
instead of throwing my choice away
but it’s hard
sometimes real hard
to have what I want
and live in this world.
bright boys eat
whatever may come
because they can’t see
what they’ve done
sad girls lay
with limbs open wide
because they think life
isn’t a word to be tried
don’t go there
said the men to the boys
what those girls offer
isn’t all fun and joy
dust yourself off
say’s the ladies to the girls
keep those secrets sacred
and boys’ll give you the world
here I stand alone
not sure what to say
struck by the awareness
that sex isn’t a game you play.
I don’t need a big daddy
Who knows everything I do
Makes me beg for his attention
While demanding unwavering loyalty
I don’t want an absentee father
That never speaks directly
And yet managed to dictate rules
Put on paper eons before I was born
I’m supposed to want a papa
But I’m not yearning to be overseen
Or pining for the scales of afterlife
Heaven seems boring and hell unfair
Perhaps my atheism is feminist
Because religion seems male to me
Just like I don’t need a man in my life
I don’t choose an almighty father
Dear stranger
I wish you didn’t make me uncomfortable
And I wish I didn’t expect the worst
But instant excitement scares me
And your attention puts me at unease
At first my bold ways titlate
Often the idea of me seems to appeal
But as time passes I hear judgement
Those less than subtle hints
Criticim meant to be constructive
Suggesting I become more acceptable
That I’d be better off a little less special
But I am not the kind who tries to fit
I was raised to like myself
To embrace my authenticity
Your fleeting affection is no match
For my persistent sense of self
You can’t coerce me into normal
This is the curse of an iconoclast
More lonely in a crowd of strangers
Than sitting alone with myself.
Inner ear ineffective
Unsteadily upright
Firmly flat feet
Waddle wobble walk
Balance broken
Grace goes gone
Dropping down
Suddenly sitting
Pause petulantly
Ready for repeat
I didn’t have a picket fence
Or two parents
Or a childhood home
I knew love but not constancy
Putting things in order
A little piece of peace
Candy colors in a row
Eat them by the number
She licked her lower lip
Like there was something to suppose
A question not so often asked
Of chubby girls or loose women
Is it contained between chaste thighs
The sweet innocence of always?
Can knowing what we know
be a woman’s wrath at redemption?
The confusion is not within
We know we are both, not other
A sin is only a sin when defined
A lover must be loved by another.
Oh men…
The strong ones subjugate
And the weak ones prostrate
And the lack of equanimity
Leaves me at a loss
Oh women…
The powerful ones manipulate
And the quiet ones regulate
We are our own enemy
In the game of equality
Oh me oh my…
At times I’m girly and silly
Or boyish and rough
Or womanly and gentile
Or manly and strong
Oh gender role…
The world is hard enough
Without your restrictive decree
My gender may be female
But my personality is made of me
Dull thud
As the brain gives up
In a fit of lazy
It oozes down
Softly pooling as mushy grey
Undimpled ignorance
Its not natural
A lack of intellectual ciriosity
The synaptic silence
Inertia is inevitable
But comes more quickly
When unchallenged
She always knew she’d get married
but was unprepared to be divorced
The end came out of nowhere
After a slow road of decline
They felt superior to other couples
Like they shared a special secret
All their faults were somehow perfect
They were a match like no other
The dream felt permanent
When she was in the middle of it
She knew he loved her like no other
There was never a doubt of her in him
Until the day when he was different
When she felt alone in his presence
And the love she knew for certain
Was shadowed by heavy doubt
No girl dreams of divorce
No woman hopes to end up alone
None of us try to imagine
What comes after forever
The surprise was after the end
She didn’t enjoy being divorced
But she liked not not existing for him
Being for herself was enough.
I’m an ordinary girl
I tell myself
Just like any other girl
Everyone feels like they don’t belong
That’s what they say
The grand them of authority
The nameless dominance of normal
It all feels like a lie
A lie from them to calm me
A lie I’m supposed to tell myself
A lie my true self rejects
At least one thing is true
everyone around me
is too wrapped up in their own shit
to notice me losing mine.
My fat is political
I dont restrict calories
I don’t talk dieting
I have no plans to change
If you think fat is a personality deficit
If you can’t get past appearance
If you are simply repulsed
Then my fat is a barrier
I won’t bond over self hate
I don’t buy into the shame
I refuse to fight my body
I’m not spending my life hungry
I deliberately defy convention
I eat in public
I wear cute outfits
I’m bright and smiling and fat
My body is a protest
My personality a gift
I accept my size
I love myself
I wish the same for you.
Struggling for breath
Flemmy even then
Used to wail to be fed
Mom’d serve me
Choke on my snot
Throw up what I ate
Mom cleaned me up
And I’m wailing again
Babies don’t choose
Breath or hunger.
Fat, sick, poor, slut
Accepting my nonstandard body
Living within physical limitations
Finding joy in simplicity
Embracing my female power
Happy with who I am.
I never wanted to be a layover girl
to fill a space in your bed
while you waited for her
She’s the one you want
that girl you haven’t met yet
the perfect ideal of a girl
you think me easy
that I’m eager to keep you company
while you’re waiting
but I want to be special
A girl above the rest
not a body to fill a space
I deserve more
Than to be here for your comfort
and to make you feel at ease
I’m not a tossed away thought
or a comic side story
for you to tell later
so I’m not gonna hold your hand
and be your inbetween
while you dream of the right one
because I’m somebody elses girl
Who want’s more than my layover
I just haven’t met them yet.
If only manly traits
Were sexy in a woman
I’m smart, funny, and confident
I have a job and I’m ambitious
I’d make a great husband
But, as a woman,
I’m perceived as bitchy
And pushy and weird
I’m not pretty enough
I’m not docile enough
I’m not an object of desire
The flip side?
Being unattractive
Means I’m not prey
Men don’t catcall
They don’t leer
They don’t stalk
At worst they ridicule
But I’m confident enough
That I don’t care
I’d rather be happy with me
Than try to be someone else.
It hurts when you question
My perception
While it’s true
You may know fact better
You can’t know what I feel
Or what I experience
Better than I
No one can dictate
My subjective perception
I own that
Just the same
As you know you
My memory is muddled
Like a dirty pond
My conciseness affected
Flirting with delirium
I’d rather know what’s true
That to stubornly act right
I never did understand
How admitting our mistakes
Is taken as weakness
Bravery is asking for more information
Confirming what you do or don’t know
I don’t live in black and white
Fact is proven theory
But theory can be disproved
Additional minutia can be discovered
A theory can be proven again
The details make a difference
My apple may be green
Your apple may be red
Were both talking about apples
And yet one is tart and the other sweet
If I take a beat
Admit to my limited scope
Review my assumptions
Ask about your apple
Maybe I could learn
Maybe we could communicate
If I still think you’re wrong
I can always build my case
Show the proof of my position
Or I could choose to back off
Because it’s not my responcibility
To make you right
Knowing what’s true often means
Admitting I’m could be wrong
And being open to learning right.
No once chooses their trauma
Or wants to be always set apart
The idea that rape is a lie
Or disability is a lie
Or inequality is a lie
Is a misunderstanding
A lack of exposure
A lack of experience
We disenfranchised
Are seen in extremes
Either saintly courage
Or sinful weakness
The extremes make us seperate
Place us outside the norm
Some of us wear our label proudly
To refute the silence
To refuse the loneliness
Despite a lack of reward
Making it known is judged harshly
When, in truth, attention seekers are rare
But are no less damaged
Because no one chooses their trauma
No one chooses to always feel apart
If we are lucky find self-acceptance
We find others who make us feel normal
We make the best of what we didn’t choose.
Money won’t make you happy
But poverty will make you miserable
Struggling to survive is the worst
But excess is too much
The median is where we do best
People can’t make you happy
But loneliness will tear you down
We are hard wired for companionship
And, yet, can feel lonely in a crowd
We need those deep connections
Priveledge can’t bring happiness
Any more than being disenfranchised
Most of us carry some burden
We can try to see what we have
and acknowledge what we dont.
The lesson I learn, everyday,
Is happiness isn’t a destination
It’s bright moments on the journey
We can adjust our attitude
We can embrace fleeting moments
We can choose to recognize our happy
The grass is greenest where we water it.
I know you don’t understand
I’m not sure you ever will
This isn’t something you can teach
Because this isn’t teachable
I struggle even to explain
Your privaeledge is in the way
But i don’t hold that against you
No one wants this experience
No one chooses this reality
It is forced upon us unlucky
And there’s nothing fair about it
I’m sad my truth is in the way of us
I’m resigned to the distance it creates
But I’m also proud of myself
For being honest about my world
Even if that makes you uncomfortable.
You won’t understand
Because you can’t
And it hurts my heart
To know it
The sacrifices
I make for myself
Are the least I expect
From a partner
Seems so small to me
This simple expectation
It’s hard to understand
How you could refute it
But I see it’s undoable
A reality unreal
You can’t even imagine
Not in your realm
So much hope
A future unsung
Seperate truths
A sad ending
I wish you the best
I morn my loss
As we move on
Forever apart.
We remember the exception
Not the rule
Despite all the good things
And all the kind people
It’s the one asshole
That sticks in our memory.
Oh, you fickle flirt
You made me feel good
With your sexy words
But only in passing
My teenage reaction
To your digital visage
Left me wanting more
I want to eat you up
But I guess I’m too bold
Scaring away the skittish
With my forward demand
To see you in person
In this shallow pond
You may be a catfish
A sexy illusion
But my hunger is real
I’m not up for the game
Virtual affection can’t satisfy
Must have my cake
And eat it too
I suppose that’s my purpose
If you’re not bold enough
To stand beside me
Then best you run now.
There is no pine in me
I do not wait around
For the move of another
I surge forward
And fail where I may
Yearning seems futile
Why not ask the question
True answers dont falter
And I’d rather stand alone
Than not be wanted
There is little tact in me
I corageously blunder
Blurt out my intent
Let the awkward sprout
See what will bloom
Often I am rejected
This is a game of many losses
One you can’t win unless you play
So I keep failing
So I keep trying
I won’t know the answer
Without asking the question
I fear the silence
More than rejection
So in ask
Do you want me?
.
Mystery doesn’t do it for me
Fantasy and role play are so banal
You know what’s really rare?
The vulnerable truth
I never did get grown up games
Why we put on a mask
To capture a mate
It’s such a fruitless pursuit
Reality seeps in eventually
And there’s always a loser
When the one you want
Isn’t the one you have
You know what gets me wet?
When my parter opens up
When they show what’s real
When I see their exposed belly
There are a million reason
Two people might not match
Why make it harder
With lies and obfuscation
So…I’m gonna be the real me
And keep sorting through the fakers
Hoping to find a sweet and real guy
who’ll share his warm vulnerable heart.
Elizebeth Turnquist 